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Disturbed


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Part 1~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Something was always missing. No one could ever tell by my happy exterior, but I had this hole in me that could never be filled. It was a dark abyss in the center of my soul, gaping to show the barrenness that resided so dormant inside. I tried to fill it by shoveling small mounds of dirt into it, but to no avail; nothing satisfied this yearning I had, and nothing ever could.

So, I went through life walking around with this mask to shield the empty feeling inside of me. I was never to heal -- never to feel the simple nuances of pleasure in life. I was a creature --damned to be stoic and frigid to happiness; a solitary being, longing for something or someone to fix it.

No one ever came along. There was no light in my life to shine through my abysmal loneliness, to shine through my dark heart. I longed for lust, for passion and pleasure, yet I found that it only ripped my soul open wider.

What is love? What is it but something subjective -- tangible to some but an illusion to others? Yet the people who believe that love truly exists are never truly happy inside. Their relationship is institutionalized on a brick base of falsities -- masks to hide who one genuinely is. One day, however, the mask crumbles apart and burns to form the ashen remains of lies, revealing the demons that concealed them beneath. It is then that all falls apart. There was only a Dresden doll beneath the initial emotion of affiliation -- dead, empty and soulless.

Yet, we all have a base need for completion. Those who find actualization are so few and far between that, when others attempt, they stray. Turning to pleasures of the earth, they never truly find enlightenment -- they only feed the monster that festers inside of their souls. Swallowing their fatal dose of absinthe, they are drunken and lost in the world.

Yet, there's a contradicting need that is innate for us all: survival. It ultimately negates our need for affiliation, but our complexities allow it to remain there untouched but sullied. Our selfishness allows us to live, but it doesn't allow us to love. It is a destructive force unleashed unto this world. The most enlightened, the godliest are selfish, pushing on and creating for their own lust for power.

People are such ugly things. Hiding behind ideals that conceal who we really are, we are nothing but cowards -- hideous, selfish and afraid. However, as an observer of life, I am not meant to judge who is worthy enough to walk this earth; yet I try my hardest to walk openly and in nothing but the clothes on my flesh and the honesty that rests on my tongue.

I am imperfection, incapable of true judgment and destroying everything that my mortal contact comes in touch with. It dissolves and turns to the dust of the earth in my hands, falling through my fingers and blowing away in the winds of desolation before they touch the ground.

There is nothing good and clean here in my existence. Being doused in my evils, I have finally managed to hate what I have become. A rift has come to be within me, and I have become broken and worthless. Yet, my only ray of hope is the thought that my knowledge reigns superior over others' rather elementary cognition. That solitary reason gives me enough comfort to live on as I see fit.

Without a superior knowledge, mankind would cease to exist. Thoughts, dreams and hopes fit together so amazingly as chemicals that function at perfect synchronization and precision.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Part 2~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The purity and simple pleasures of childhood are things that lament for; for they are unknown to me now. Perversion and cynicism corrupt everything I touch now, raping everything good that I once had in life.

It hurts sometimes. Never able to convey meaning, others see me as this dark, lecherous thing. I am never seen as I am; therefore, I bear my black mask in this parade of charades.

Everyone is a liar. Everyone has a mask to conceal their truths and injustices, yet it fades away in time. Real souls become evident as the mask fades away. It is then the charade ensues.

People are like books; one must learn how to read the language and then you can learn everything about them. After looking at so many books, after learning so many stories, in time you learn it has all become pointless. Unlike books, people are similar to a fault. They have conformed to become nearly a single entity, no different than sheep in a field and dull like metal smudged by the greasy fingers of a dirty child. All people are basically the same. None are different, all dull, like smuggled metal.

I have slowly descended into my own Universe -- a Universe of truth, uncovered from the textbook amount of lies. I have reached this point and realized the enlightenment. I've received full knowledge of human weakness, giving me complete control and power over the world if I so choose to access it.

Fortunately for those of weak will, very few have this gift bestowed upon them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Another Universal truth is that all people want to be taken care of, for they never truly grow out of their primitive childhood state. Yet, who is there to remain as the protector? Are we roaming the Earth, vulnerable to the ties that bind us all? Are we just as weak as we portray ourselves as?

Most human beings lost in the world of darkness are numb to perversion. Yet, I don't find myself at this point, despite my flaws. It just seems like nothing involving affection can make my blood run swiftly through my veins. Only the rawness of pure, sex can pique my diverse interests. I have done so many things that are wrong in the eyes of men that it keeps me up at night.

Therefore, I can understand why society is becoming exponentially more corrupt. Looking back in history, we should come to realize that the old cliché is true: history is repeating itself. The only slight difference is the fact that our debauchery has spawned more diseases than can be accounted for.

So far I sound like a power hungry ego maniac. But I am truly not; I am just an observer that is just trying to relay my views to you, the reader. I will never tell you my name. And if for some reason I put in names I will not use the people's names. I just wanted to know if people felt like I do. I know you don't think like I do, because I think uniquely. And if I don't then what do I have to live for. As for this book. I will most likely just talk about my views on many different topics. Mostly the dark and dirty ones no one else wants to touch.

People lie. The third universal truth. All people lie, there are no expectations. That is just how it works. Never trust something someone tells you. Find out for yourself. Why people lie I will never know but they do. That is why I like autistic people so much. They don't lie, and they say what they mean. I wish all people were like that. Ordered and logical. I do feel bad for the families who care for them. Never truly being able to love their children. Never being able to touch them. Or never being able to be touched. No emotion, no love, no happiness.

People take advantage of other people. Some like to be used, others enjoy using. I am neither. I hate to be used, and I hate to use, seems so wrong. To just use someone with out there consent just seems wrong. And I am not just asking about sexually either, I mean how a "friend" using another friend for something. It's like rape with words. Cold.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Part 3~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I do not hate emotion. In fact I embrace them. Emotion is what makes us all individuals and the same. We can all relate to each other thanks to emotions. Some wear their emotions on their sleeves and others barley them deep insides themselves. Placing that festering puss pocket on the side and let it turn into a lovely tumor in a few years.

We categorize people and things to make ourselves feel better. I am no different the others. I do the same. That is another reason I am writing this so I can feel better. I want to feel better about myself and if I can do that by categorizing people then I will. Whatever feels good right?

What is it about being us makes us who we are. Our child hood? Our experiences? Our genes? I would like to believe we are just a sum of all of our experiences. You know the whole the sum of the parts is greater than the whole. But if that is so then we cannot help but become what we are, and that would me we have no free will. I am unsure what has made me what I am. It cannot be that my experiences added up to me. I am able to classify people with such accuracy but I cannot figure my own self out. I do not understand that.

I have a gift for reading people but I cannot pick up on subtle nuance of specific human nature. Such as flirting, I am not good with that. I also have a problem with picking up on when girls have problems with our relationship. But I do make a good ear to listen to problems. I think that is why I always end up being friends with every girl I know, go figure.

I may think girls are stupid and immature, but I still would rather be friends with a girl over a boy any day. Ever sense I was little I have liked older girls, something soothing about them. I’m unsure why I like them, but when I was in the second grade, I had this very sweet older girl that would watch out for me and protect me. I miss that so much. That is why I have never been very good at defending myself when it comes to insults. I always had someone older to protect me. Now that I am older, I want that again. I just want to be babied I guess. But I am sure there are others out there that like the same thing as I do. Enough on that subject. No need to delve into my personal life


I once believed in romance. I have since changed my mind. What point does it serve? Girls do not respond to it. I hate how girls act. Scientists say that females mature quicker then guys but that is all a fares. Women are just as immature are the males around them and the jack a** boys they think are hot. It’s so wrong. Why do the good ones have to wait?

All this female empowerment and man hate has turn the female population in a gay one. Women are turning to women for comfort, mentally and physically. The world may have two girls forever one guy but when those two girls get together then there are no girls for that one guy. It makes me sick. It's a shame when you have to watch for your significant other to be cheating on you with the same sex. Women have too much power. A woman cries sexual harassment then I does not matter what a guy says, he is going to jail. It’s just that simple. And that is so wrong. I am so sick of hearing about women empowerment! If you want to be treated the same then we will. If you want to be treated differently then we will. They cannot have it both ways.

Women just astound me sometimes with how thoughtless with a boy’s heart they can be. Use, abuse, and then drop for a new model. Can they be that cool and calculated or are they just mindless and haphazard with their actions. Don’t get me wrong. I may sound like a woman hater, but as I said, I would prefer the company of women to men any day.

I am writing this paper as I fall into a misanthropic mind set. You will watch my descend into a pit of darkness, consuming every part of my soul. Corrupting me absolutely. People are so ugly. God I just hate them. None are nice. Everyone has an agenda.