oh s**t, I'm such a wreck right now
im sposed to write boy a letter for tomorrow, i dont thnk i can do it right this second, my hands are shaking like crazy. i think my dad is sick again because he got back tonight from toronto, came in with his luggage when i wa sin the shower and i was in there, washing up, and I hear him just,,, ******** roar my name- i was so startled I fell over, cut the inside of my lip a little but otherwise fine- and ran out after i pulled my sweats on- 'causeI thought he had hurt himself or something, he sounded ******** rabid. ******** my head is pounding- anyways, he starts screaming about finding an empty ice cream carton on the counter, and he's- furious. no exaggeration- top of his lungs- and hardly anybody knows what that sounds like, it's scary- his accent comes back, your ears ring- i'm really kinda scared at the moment. And he's talking about how he goes away and comes back in a few weeks and everything is a mess and we're trying to sell the house etc.- and by this pointin time I'm shaking, and starting to tear up, and i start trying to shout at him that I've been doing this, watching over this house for 4 out of 5 weeks now without a parent and watching my 3 siblings there during the week- sometimes even weekends. and it's easy for him to come home and scream, but I... christ. I'm seventeen. This isn't neccesary. whatever happened with him, no matter what he's feeling about this divorce, he doesn't have the right to take it out on me. I'm doing the very best I can. I'm exhausted. And I'm really, really hurt. And scared. And trapped. I thought things were going to get better once he got back- he'd start taking care of his kids and helping out- I have the feeling this is going to turn into one more thing for me to cope with. I don't know if I can handle it. In fact- I'm completely sure I can't handle it.
********.
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I'm so sorry you have to deal with that...
I love you and you deserve respect and kindness, not being lashed out at with anger that is not your fault...if you can't write a letter I completely understand...
If you EVER need to just get away, you know you have a place to go...where you will be treated like the goddess you are. I'm so sorry you have to go through that, I love you so much, in August I'll help you to relax.
I will never hurt you, I will never leave you, and if there is ANY way i can help, tell me. Otherwise I'm just here to listen, and to love you. You're such a good person, with so many responsibilities, and so much on your shoulders. One day I'll be able to help you with all your responsibilities, and help you feel wonderful when you're feeling bad, and help you feel secure when you're feeling scared. Till then, do your best to take care of yourself. Oh honey, I love you. I hate to think of anyone making you cry...if it were just some guy I'd have to rip him apart...but when it's your dad it's very different...I jsust hope he calms down and sees how hard you've been working these past weeks...
I love you. Feel better...