Life is never easy, a couple weeks ago my aunt who I was rather close to. The only relative I was close to other then my uncle werner got sick and ended up in the emergency room and a couple days stay in the hospital. I never said much about it, but in all honesty. It did bother me, then I had my troubles mentioned in previous journal entries. That is frankly, one of the worst things I've gone through in my life.
If you don't know a few months ago my grandmother was having heart trouble. She got a pacemaker put in. But gave us a scare for a while. Well she's doing alright now, but a few while later my father had problems as well. No need for a pacemaker but we were told if he didn't get treated. If he had a heart attack as he was, he'd most likely die. Which is scary as they say it's genetic, I may have that problem in my distant or near future.
Now lately I've been talking to my mother more and more. Just to keep myself from breaking down and freaking out. As we talk I find more and more what's going on up there. Like, her knees have gone bad and it's not something that an operation could fix. She can walk and all, but it pains her especially on rainy days.
Though the most startling and scary to me is the test she's having done right now. She's had high blood pressure for years and have taken medicine for it. But she's experienced rapid heart beating for a few moments similar to my grandmother. She's getting stress tests now to see what she needs to do. Hopefully medicine is all that she needs as she's gone in early. But that's still to be seen.
It's just all this on me at once. It's so much to go through. I didn't want to say anything as I don't like bringing others down. I've always been one to keep things to myself. Right now is just an incredibly tough part of my life. I've gotten through tough times in the past. But this... it's just taken all of my will power. I've always considered myself a positive person. But when the rain comes and it pours on you like this, not letting up. It's hard to keep a positive outlook on life.
I don't want this experience to turn me bitter and resentful. That's not the type of person I am. Or want to be, going towards the angry side would indeed be the easy emotional escape. But the more and more I'm hammered like this. The harder and harder it get's to remain my usual cool and calm self.
It's easy to think "Well if life crapped on me by being nice. Maybe I should just be a douchebag about everything." But again, that's easy. I've never been one to take the easy route. I enjoy being challenged. But admitingly, being challenged like I am right now. Isn't something I'd wish on anyone. My old bosses at the state forest, the idiot complaining neighbor, or even someone that hypothetically hurt someone close to me.
Wishing ill fortune on those that hurt you. Is something most would do, but I just can't do it. Or at least I don't morally want to do it.
I just hope that after all this is said and done. I haven't lost who I am now, I truly hope this doesn't warp my perception on life and turn me bitter.
~DJ Bothwell
 XDvandalDJ · Sun Aug 12, 2007 @ 05:45am · 0 Comments |
