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The list of emotions in numerous, they come out of no where from all sides. Though, the most apparent ones I can list with certainty. Hurt, Betrayed, Resentful, Angry, Depressed, Sad, Worthless, Confused, needless to say it's been tough and I do not feel good in the slightest.
I did so much, gave so much of myself. Only to have it tossed aside. Metaphorically it feels like I handed over my beating heart. Straight from my chest, only to have it snorted at and tossed away. Apparently it's good enough for a short while, but quickly bores people.
Let's recap over my life shall we? Let's hit on things I have never mentioned before. Usually I always bottle my deepest problems up. I keep them away from others as not to bring them down. I've always cared more for everyone else than my own self. But this emotional baggage is to large for any metaphorical bottle to contain, without shattering and tearing me to shreads.
From early grade school on through the 6th grade. I liked Amber Stewart. I tried my best, but she was in the preppy cliche. I was not, I bought her boxes of candy for valentines day. I was okay to be nice towards in private. But not enough to risk anyones reputation.
I always wondered why I was viewed differently back then. But I quickly moved on, I was young and headed towards the 7th grade. As I went I noticed a girl who was pretty and nice towards me. Shannon Spiker, she wasn't in the preppy cliche and was more on my level. I asked her out to dances, she went a couple times but danced with everyone else. She ended up dating my best friend eventually, and always told me she viewed me as a friend. Nothing more, despite my efforts back then before and after her relationships.
I eventually moved on. In high school she went with the wrong crowd and I continued on. Throughout high school I liked a lot of different girls. I can't even remember all their names anymore. But no matter what I did, none would take romantic interest back at me. Sure they'd talk with me at lunch. But I was never dating material. I sat around and watched all my nearest friends with someone. We'd go out, I'd be the third wheel on every date.
My best friend Jim at the time. Even stopped talking to me my sophomore year in high school. Because my size, and apparent social status scared his new girlfriend. I will always look back on that year in hate. I spent it mostly alone. DJ was good enough to be friends with. But not enough to be anything more. I was good enough to be a guys best friend. But if a girl became involved, I'd get tossed aside.
The end of my senior year came and I ran into a girl at a drug awareness confrence in Chicago. Her name was Nikki. I immeditately liked her, she enjoyed similar interests as me, a first. She was really nice, and led on she was interested more than a simply friendship. After the confrence we talked online quiet a bit. One instance, we were on for 6 hours straight talking with one another. She wanted me to come see some movies with her, and I even asked her out. She said she liked me and we could date when I was there.
I really fell over myself at that time. I had finally found someone that took notice in me more than friendship. I wasn't doomed to being alone! But my joy was shortlived, as I quickly discovered she had gotten a boyfriend back home in the middle of this. I poured my heart out to her in a last email, and asked her if she could do anything at least give me some sort of response. She never gave it to me, never replied. Never said sorry, not a thing.
Once again proving I was good enough for a little while. But my heart wasn't worth holding onto. But then a month or so later, my life turned around! I met a really really nice girl online through an online friend. She had a couple flaws back then. But I really though I could make her happy and show her the flaws didn't matter.
We hit it off, and saw each other in person. She was so nice, and pretty. She genuinely made me feel she cared. We even held a mock wedding and said we'd always be together. I spent every cent I earned so I could see her in person. I would write poetry, draw pictures, always send her nice messages. So she knew I cared. It was apparent I wasn't the best looking guy, I wasn't the smartest, and I wasn't the best choice. But I just knew if I gave her my all and really showed I loved her. That would make up for it, and I thought it did.
We we talk on the phone an hour each night. Nearly never missing a night, we'd send each other emails every day, and talk online. I figured it out after I moved to be with her. I spent 1500 dollars worth in phone cards so we could talk and last the distance. I'd spend an average of 500 dollars each trip to see her in person. I worked just for her after high school. Sometimes I wouldn't eat out with friends or something just so I could talk with her on the phone.
Needless to say I was head over hills. She acted the same way, we never fought or anything. Always got along, so it felt right. I ended up deciding against my parents and some of my friends wishes. That I'd move to be with her. She told me she couldn't last with me up 620 miles away all the time. So I did everything I could and rushed to live near her.
Everything went great, I lived with her and her parents. We got along, and even became like best friends. Something that if you ask any long married couple, relationships eventually turn into feeling like that. The only problem was her strict parents. We weren't allowed to hang all over each other, or lay together in bed to watch tv. I never wanted to seperate her from her parents. So I did everything to please them, especially her father. The man that could have split us up.
I never liked him, his personality was at conflict with mine. He was incredibly two faced, and very long winded. Always talking about college, and looking into my life. Despite that, I followed her parents wishes and never got to crazy in the house. Perhaps that was my mistake, we spent the majority of our time at home. So we couldn't always do the things boyfriends and girlfriends do. We never had privacy, and I couldn't always cover her in love like my heart ached to do.
I just thought, I'll keep going for the long haul. Her and I will be together eventually, even if I had to wait while she went to college and her parents still seemed so strick. See, she had expressed interest in being together always. So marriage was in my mind for years down the road. Believe me, if the choice was mine. I would have done it forever ago. But I wanted her parents to be happy, and just was willing to wait through it all for her. Julia herself was great, there was no problems. The only issue was her parents, being unusually strickt. I desperately wanted privacy, wanted to go out and do more. Act like a normal couple, but at the same time wanted her folks to approve. I didn't want to seperate her like what happens so much these days.
But all seemed well, then recently she expressed that she thought it'd be cool if I got an apartment. Someplace we could go and be alone. Finally! I thought, we can act like a normal couple. I can take her out on dates, and not have to be so involved with her parents. We could hold each other while we watched movies. I could openly express love all the time, and not have to worry about her father who told me not to let our love get more than a friendship. The man told me if I ever got her pregnant, he'd kill me. I was never physically afraid of him. I just wanted his approval so Julia could be happy and keep her parents in her life.
No sooner had she come back from a Vacation. Just as I moved into the apartment, she told me "You're like a brother to me now. I want to break up" She wasn't willing to give me a chance, immediately advertised online she was single and looking for dating. I did so much for her, everything she ever asked of me. She got sad? I was there to comfort her, she wanted to leave the house and eat out? I took her, or just paid for it. She wanted me to move 620 miles so we could be together? I did it.
I cared so much, I put all I had into the relationship. But in the end she apperciated it, but just wants to be friends. Just like everyone else. I'm now, completely alone my entire family having health problems, my only comfort is talking on the phone. I have no one to be with. All my friends down here weren't close enough to offer any real advice. "That sucks dude, well gotta get back to work!" is all I got.
I truly and utterly loved Julia. If someone was to walk infront of us pointing a gun, and said "One of you is going to live, while the other is dying. Your choice."
I would have walked infront of that gun in an instant. That's the truth, it's not some corny crap. I really feel that. But after giving someone my all, always being there or them and putting myself through so much. All I get is an "I appreciate it, but am not willing to give another chance." This break up wasn't caused by a fight, I never did anything wrong! She just said I felt like a brother, so she was just tired of me. It didn't matter how much we've been through. She hasn't even shown any sadness about it at all when we've talked.
She just wanted to act like friends, and everything was okay. My heart was broken, I'm in such pain. She willingly allowed me to suffer like this, completely alone. I always considered myself a macho guy. But damnit, I've cried more now than in my entire life. It's just when you offer yourself like I have, and it's rejected. You feel like dirt, I'm desperately trying to figure out what's wrong with me. But I can't. I keep getting angry, everyone tells me to move on and get even. But I've always been so nice, I can't treat her badly for this. Hell, I'd still walk in front of that gun. It just hurts when you wonder. "Would she of done it for me? After everything, was it worth it? Did she ever care, how could she toss me aside like this?"
My emotions are so torn and conflicted. I can't believe I ever opened myself up like this. Can I ever do it again? Is the risk of being hurt to great? How can I ever trust anyone? What have I done to deserve this? Maybe I'm just a loser, but at least I've tried. No matter what happens to me now, at least I tried.
~DJ Bothwell
 XDvandalDJ · Sun Aug 19, 2007 @ 05:22pm · 2 Comments |
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