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A lot of my peers believe that I have the bare minimum of feelings that a person can survive with. Anger, and Joy. Nothing else.

One girl has even gone as far as to ask my best friends If I "actually had feelings."

b***h.

My parents think I'm selfish, talentless and stupid. They're practically living through me. They think I can't hear them whenever they whisper about me behind my back. My dad bought me a tablet, because he believes that I have enough talent to make use of it. But not enough talent to buy supplies in real life.

Of course, maybe I brought it on myself.

As a kid, I was a perfectionist, and I showed signs of being obsessive compulsive [but not all of them] This was cause I believed that by making other people happy, I could be happy.

What a load of bullshit.

I was even cynical as a kid. I lived in downtown Toronto, and moved to the suburbs when I was 4 and a half. I remember one of my first thoughts was "where are all the homeless people?"

Lets backtrack some more.

I was always in and out of the hospital as a kid. I was anemic. I almost died of blood loss. I had asthma. Pneumonia. Chicken pox. High fevers. I developed an intolerance to dairy products. All before I turned 3.
Since then my asthma, anemia and intolerance have disappeared.

What. The. ********.

Then when I was 4. I visited China. On the train to the town where my dad came from, we passed through a few fields. Suddenly people started gasping. I looked out of the window, and saw a man had been run over by the train, half of his body crushed and blood everywhere. It had been at least a day.

First dead man at the age of 4.

No wonder I'm so passive about gore.

At the age of 5, I got a new baby sister. I thought "well now, this will be fun! I can take care of her, play with her, teach her!" But all she did was cry, complain and cry some more. Even my parents admitted she was nothing but trouble as a child. Even now she is extremely insecure, disagrees with everything I do for the sake of it. She's 8, going on 9, and she still needs help getting dressed in the morning. By 7, I was staying home alone, making snacks for myself. She's a pushover to everyone except me. I confess, I've been neglecting her for the past two years. I treat her like dirt, but only because she literally, and metaphorically walked all over me. As a kid, she would wake up early every Saturday and Sunday morning, and stand on me while I was asleep. She would crawl all over me, sometimes standing on my chest and stomach. Then she'd laugh when I gagged because of her weight on my stomach for so long. She knew it was bad. She just thought I was a toy. Now she's manipulative. Threatening to rat me out on things I never did, because she's younger than me, and therefore my parents have to listen to her. No wonder she's got through 3 sets of friends, just in the past year.

At 9 I gained a brother. Yay. He's better, but only just slightly. I'm not making the same mistakes I did with my sister. But I don't think it'll work. She's already started using him to her benefit.

Haha. This is like, a mini auto biography.

I've had a few crushes, but they've always let me down. Now I distance myself from people. People suck in real life. Online, people hide behind masks to make themselves for personal. I'm more comfortable online.

I'm ending this journal entry. Soon.

I'm not saying life made me this way. I just chose to react this way. Now I'm 14, brimming with talent and intelligence that my parents can't see. I haven't had a crush on anyone for 2 years. I dress like a boy. I hide my "curves." It might be too late, though. There are already boys who hit on me regularly. My close friends tell me to open up. My closest friends tell me never to change the way I am. My feelings are my own, and whether I hide and suppress them, or bare them for the world to see, is my problem. But they'll always love me unconditionally.

I'd be nothing without them~

Special shout out to Kingy, IFW, Aimless and Azure.
You guys make me feel comfortable with who I am. To be honest, my relationship with you guys is the closest I've had since my best friends, 7 years ago.

Sad. I know.

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