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To be honest I have no idea why I am even writing right now. I should be in class right now trying not to doze off to another mildly interesting professor. Really I shouldn't make such a snap judgment about the guy; I haven't even been to the class yet, though this is truly my last chance at it. I just feel so sick to my stomach right now and I don't want to interrupt his class.
I missed the class I really wanted to be in just yesterday, I had to go to the stupid doctors just to find out that this pain I am having is common and to top it all off, they can't do anything to help at all. I just feel like throwing up, that would be nice. Or maybe if I just suddenly got a nose bleed. I'd do anything to get out of this place.
I don't know why but going here makes me feel like I am so stupid, maybe it's really my choices or my lack of choosing that makes me feel this way. All day long I try to please everybody, but I just keep getting further and further from myself. I continue going to this college for my mother and my boyfriend, they think that if I just get all of this over with things will be all ok, that one day this angst and depression will just go away. What am I to do really? I just want to get hit by a car sometimes.
My feelings seem to be ever changing, one moment I want to just kill myself and I pray to God that he will kill me; the next I feel like that would be the easy way out and that I should at least give myself the chance to have fun and live life like everyone else. You know those commercials really make you feel like you're the only one that feels depressed.
I just get so scared when I have to talk to people, no reason for it really. I guess I am just afraid I am letting everyone down. I don't know how to over come this really. It's starting to affect too many aspects of my life. Every time I see someone pass by I get scared. I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach, it's as though all of the acids in my stomach get stronger and stronger. Almost as though my stomach is one of those science projects that you do when you're in like fourth grade, you know the ones with the paper volcano that you pour baking soda in the night before and on the day of the project you pour in the vinegar.
They say that parting is such sweet sorrow, but it never seems to feel sweet at all. Maybe I am just naïve or immature. It just seems lately I have had to do a lot of parting, not so much with anybody, mainly with things. Things like food and feelings. Since the strike scare at my father's work after his overwhelming amount of tickets, we haven't been able to really afford a whole lot in the ways of food. I feel as though I am always hungry, even if I always feel like throwing up.
I always feel as though there is someone breathing down my back. Like I can never be alone, the seldom time I have, that is truly alone, and I tend to spend sleeping though lately I haven't gotten any sort of shut eye. Either I can't fall asleep at all or I fall asleep and wake up in the middle of the night only to find that I can't go back to bed.
I am beginning to wonder why God would make such a pitiful creature as me. Why he would even bother making me at all. Maybe it's because I haven't been praying enough nor doing the things that I love enough. Writing this, right now, is making me feel a little better I think. I haven't put my feelings on paper, so-to-speak in such a long time. Every time I write my boyfriend gets down my back about how depressing my writing is. I hate that.