Well okay- so you all remember marc, right? I think we broke up like two years ago... maybe more... anyway... he just IMed me the other day and we had a little fight and sort of kissed and made up... But there's a problem. He's engaged and now living in California. I'm taken and living in New York... And... I'm falling in love with him all over again. I knew me and Damion wouldn't last and he says he and his fiancee might not last so I'm getting my hopes up until I hit the obvious dead end... a ten thousand mile dead end... I hate to admit it but as much as we argued and I hated him... I loved him this whole time- through the whole thing. Because I knew he was one of the few that ever really gave a flying ******** about me. Especailly when I was living with my parents, Nancy and Jerry. And it kills me, here we both are now, comparing OBSESSIVELY clingy spouses and how much we can't stand it and I'm trying to make nice with his overly jealous (for good reason) fiancee... And I feel so torn... like my hearts ripped in two. I want to see him, talk to him, hear him, and I'm getting nowhere with his fiancee all over him like ******** glue. I miss him something terrible and before I even broke down. I went outside for a smoke and I sat down on the deck of the vacant trailer next to us and I just cried as Blue, our outdoor cat, rubbed against me. I cried my eyes out for damn near an hour before heading back in and I shaking because I felt sick... maybe this is what emo means? when something like this goes wrong and all you want to do is cut or kill yourself or just say ******** it and lay in bed and not eat or drink or get up ever again... because that's how I've been since he first IMed me the other day. And what makes me more afraid is I know WHY I'm like this... I'm not talking to him... When he says he has to go or when I have to sign off, my stomach turns over... Maybe I'm afraid he won't come back? I'm not clingy, really... just lost and him being here comforts me... and when he has to go or I have to go, my body shakes because I know I'm alone again. Even if he can't talk to me freely the entire time he's on, I feel better, leashed or not. But now I'm scared weather he's on or not... I need to figure something out with damion soon. he's getting too much, snooping, and being even more clingy than usual. Now he wants me to go nowhere, do more with him... already I have to live with him, eat with him, endure car rides to work and back with him, and sleep with him... now I can't leave the house at all without him and I have to 'cut the bullshit' when he was the one snooping on MY MSN screenname JUST to see if I was freaking lying. I'm about to just walk out and there isn't a court in the world that would convict me. Even his SISTER, Kavu, she's sick of it and she doesn't even ******** live here. (She's my ex gf, remember?) Yeah so i think I might just go put a slice or two in my arm if I can find my blade and go to bed... I'm mentally drained...
 [~Ari~] · Wed Oct 03, 2007 @ 08:54am · 1 Comments |
![[~Ari~]](https://a1cdn.gaiaonline.com/dress-up/avatar/ava/d2/2b/238fd6e2252bd2.png?t=1218338863_6.00_01 "[~Ari~]")