I now know why i try and control my surroundings and want things to be perfect. I never thought of the reasons i am so OCD about things i just am. I thought i just was... I'm trying to explain to her why i felt the need to have things done a singularly particular way and why so many alternate solutions of hers were rejected in my quest towards perfection in my mind. a few words and i was in tears... a few words and the truth rang so true in my mind all i could do was cry. Even while writing this tears are in my eyes thinking about what she said. She told me she thought she understood after my rambling for some time. She told me she might have know what was going on. She told me it was ok. I try to have control over the little things because i have no control over what else is going on in my life. That hit me harder than i could have ever realized. Because it is true. Because i need more order and more things going right to help take my mind off of all the things that are killing me inside. I need some sense of control in at least part of my life. I'm so confused. I don't know what i need to be doing, but i know it needs to be done. I think it just comes off as stubbornness, but its not, but it might be. All i know is that i don't like this feeling and i just want to be a more normal individual. that might make things simpler in my life. I sometimes feel thats what i need, a simpler life, one without too much confusion. and things just seem to be getting more and more complex as each day goes by. I'm just screwed up. thats all there is to it. I try to create the perfect place, somewhere that feels good, where i can be myself and not worry about little things. I'd like a clean place to live, a car that doesn't collect clutter, a place i could nap from time to time without the worry of a thousand things i need to do. I don't mean to get upset when people move things, it just feels like my personal everything has been corrupted and the space i spent so long arranging or not arranging has been pulled from comfort. Its not something i like. I hate that i have a dragon's hoarding instincts. I just want peace from time to time. No turmoil, a park bench for an hour, a walk through grass looking at the sky, watching the leaves make the light dance on a forest floor. Even fire. Watching it consume. Watching it devour. Watching it dance and spin and flicker to life. Watching it consume until death comes for it and it is nothing but ash. It's calming. Knowing that things are moving for what seems like only me and whoever chooses to see. I don't mind too much that things are moved out of place once things have been moved to suit each other and my own mind. It is like a river though, once the waters have moved each stone where it needs to be it doesn't matter if it is changed, if any one stone is moved. if it is removed completely or if it is placed back into the flow. the water will flow around it and change itself until it is comfortable with how it flows and how the rock moves to suit itself. The river always has control. Not of the stones but of whether it chooses to stop for them or not. And it sometimes feels as if i am damned. No matter how i look at it.
TorinStormchaser Community Member 
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