Earlier today my father saw may grades for this past semester. I told him my grades before they even posted. I guess he didn't believe me.
A really shitty semester, a teacher who hates me, several events that i could not have possibly foretold, 2 possibly 3 failed classes and i have to retake the 4th because a D does not allow me to go into the second semester of it.
I know my father is having problems with money and with eveyone moving in and out of the house all of the time. I know this. But I guess he doesn't realize how much i want to get this damnable degree. How much s**t i have been putting up with, that i have to put up with because of a teacher who has something against me. Its hard enough going through college. Add a class with no teacher assigned through half the semester, a teacher who hates you, drama in the family, a teacher who hates you, having to go through student support services to get tested for disabilities, getting school support a few weeks late, never having time to clean your apartment due to lack of sleep because of projects you do not understand, classmates not liking you because of things a teacher told them, no help from anyone, and the whole works just blowing up in your face every time you try to do anything and you have this past semester. Also several people i knew died.
A shitty semester full of fail. Quite Literally ful of fail. Thus the notice today after my father basically yelled at me about not being serious and me not staying at state if another semester like this happens.
I've been Suspended due to grades and grade point average.
He doesn't understand what it is that makes me continue through all of this crap trying to get a degree. I don't want to end up like anyone in my family. I want to complete college and get a job doing Anthropology. I want to get enough money saved up so i don't have to come home once i'm through. I don't want to have to rely on anyone to house me but myself. I don't want to have to live with my parents ever again. I would like a little peace in my life. I want to get this degree and try and find a job and get married and never have to see the memphis area again. If at all possible i would rather stay in the tiny blackhole that is starkville. Or maybe move west or north.
I need to figure out how much it costs to keep my car, what car insurance will cost, how much it would cost for rent, utilities and to feed me and i want out.
I know i need a job until i find the one i want with my degree.
I now have to figure out how to bring any of this up with my father without him interupting me every other word. I don't want to do it in such an impersonal way as by email but at the same time i would be able to stay calmer because there would be no interuptions. I don't know.
I've been thinking and planning things for so long and this semester was just so much crap that i don't know if i'm going to even be able to be there until i finish my degree. I don't want to leave there. I'd rather have a good degree from there than a half assed one from Ole Miss or Memphis.
I don't think i would be able to be serious about anything if i was forced back into the hellhole my parents live in.
The smell alone nausiates me and there is never a peaceful moment. I feel like a prisoner in my own room whenever i am made to come back for any length of time. Even then the whole place is distracting because there is so much going on. I have more panic attacks here than i ever have in Starkville.
Even now i'm confused. I know what needs to be done but my father seems to think school is less important than my tail light, which is jammed in place by a bent in back door, being out. But he is pissed at my grades while telling me my tail light is more important than finishing my final project for the class i have an incomplete in.
Nothing makes sense to me in his logic when he is upset.
I know he has a right to be upset especially with everything else that is going on in his house and his life.
Kate living in his house with Josh not having or keeping a job; Dee, Mike, Olivia, and Emma moving into my room; Christmas spending by my mother. I understand he has a lot to be upset with. Me included, but for him to not even accept a word i say. Even though i am talking with the school about doing something about this teacher, even though i have gone through all of the steps to get disabilities taken care of at campus, even though i am trying to make it so things can't possibly be my fault when it comes time for grades to be posted.
All he says is all i do is make excuses. I've been to the department heads trying to get things fixed and that is nothing more than an excuse. I'm being descriminated against and no one is willing to do a damn thing about it and that us nothing more than an excuse. I have to have documentation to show to the heads to prove i'm not just a miserable ******** up and all that is is an excuse.
I think thats all he's ever going to see me as though. A miserable ******** up who wasted his money. one who always has an excuse as to why its not my fault.
I can't stop crying randomly. It hurts so much knowing that he will never understand and there is no possible way for me to explain.
I guess doing my best will never be good enough. There will always be someone standing in my way. Making my life a living hell. Sometimes it feels as though i will live nothing but a mediocre life at best. Sometimes i wish i could be confrontational and step up and say whoa wait a second and demand that things be done right.
I wish i had more of a fighting spirit.
Maybe if i was more of a sports, rugged everything, competitive type person things would be better in my life and in my fathers eyes.
I don't know.
I seriously don't know.
I don't know.
TorinStormchaser Community Member 
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