so I went in to see my teacher (the evil one) and her mood had completely changed and things went well in my advising for classes. Next semester I will have an evil teacher free semester and it looks like I will not have to take another class with her until spring of 09 when I am supposed to graduate. And that is only if I do not pass her theory class this semester.
I'm doing my best and my father does not seem to see this and my money is running out for my tuition. I think he sees me in such a way that he will not accept that i am serious about school.
What he doesn't see is that I don't want to turn out like my sisters. I refuse to let my life go downhill like I see in them. I don't want my parents to see me as a failure and I want to prove to countless other people that I am not a fat lazy piece of s**t.
It's getting harder and harder to not listen. The fact that I had to go to student services for help wounded my pride. I feel like that is just a crutch to get through school on. And if I have to rely on a crutch to do so I will, but I don't want it counted against me in life.
Along with everything else going on I'm steadily getting more and more sick. I know people are looking at it like its just an excuse and I know my father probably thinks its the same way. Just an excuse to get out of doing something I don't like. I keep going to the medical center on campus and they keep giving me different things and nothing is working. I've been told that my health insurance no longer covers me after next may. I don't know what to do about that.
I don't know what to do about a lot of stuff. I won't give up but I feel the pull. But I don't want to prove people right; I don't want to have wasted this opportunity; I don't want to disappoint my parents, my sister, Beth; I don't want to be a failure. I've seen too many people fail at life in general that I do not want to be counted as one of them.
It's just getting to be too much in general, everything, classes, stress, life. I know I sound emo. I get that. I understand, but how else can I put things. I think it might just be a little depression. A lot goes on in my head everyday. And a lot needs to be done. But there is no time to do anything. I guess thats college. You give up everything to get a better life. You suffer a little and you pray to whatever gods can get you through. You basically sell your soul for a piece of paper and possibly a job. I know its not true but it seems like it is. It always seems that way.
3 more weeks of class and I'm so far behind that it seems like I will never catch up. No explanations, no help, just do the work and if its not good enough do it again and again until time has ran out. But I guess thats just life. Once you get out of school you basically do the same thing. And in the end it seems like you have to die with more and more things piled up that you leave for others to do.
I don't know why I'm babbling but I'm sure I am at this point. It seems to be getting late and I am getting tired. I don't really know what all I've said, I don't really know why I wrote so much, probably just an outlet, things I needed to get out. So I'm heading off to bed so I can try and study more in the morning. Another day another test another thing to worry about. Goodnight.
TorinStormchaser Community Member 
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