i don't know why i'm getting so depressed. I don't know why my paranoia is going. I don't know why i'm jumping at every little thing lately. I don't understand whats going on if its something i did or not, if its something i have eaten or lack eating, if its just my nerves getting the best of me, i don't know. Is me being sick this past month something mental or is there actual physical roots to it?
I really need to think before i say the things on my mind. I need to find the right words, things not so harsh. I cause so many problems that don't even need to come up. I'm sorry if i've said anything that hurt.
So much to plan so little time to do anything. Where has my focus gone? why does my brain do this to me? why can't i stay on track with things...?
Where does the time go? What ever happened to 7 days a week?
3 Weeks of school left and then christmas break. I really don't want to go home. I really wish there was more time. I don't want to go home. I don't want to leave the comfort of Starkville. The comfort of my own bed. Being beside my beautiful REF.
I'm scared. what if i can't get a degree in Anthropology? where does that put me? no money for any other schooling. My beautiful REF told me that she would not marry me without a me having a degree in something. I don't want to end up like the rest of my family. I want to learn and to have an education. I want a degree in something. I want to prove to everyone that i am better than my family. Better than my sisters.
Where does my life go if this happens? I'm scared just thinking about it. Terrified. I try and i try and i try but it seems like the same thing that happens to all of my plans is working here. Everything fails in the end.
I keep telling myself i won't fail, i will get a degree but where do i go if i can't, if everything is too much for me, if i can't escape the teachers that want to see me struggle and fail?
I don't know what to do other than try my hardest and it seems that my hardest is never enough for anyone.
Its never enough for my classes, my family, my friends, my teachers. My hardest, my best is never good enough, and that is all i hear. "This isn't good enough, try again", "your best isn't good enough try harder", "you're trying your hardest well i don't see results", "it's what i wanted but not enough of it."
I don't know what to do. I don't want to be a failure. I don't want to be like my sisters. I don't want to go halfway and stop because things are too hard. Life's difficult i got that. You have to be tough because life is rough I know that as well. I've tried and tried and tried and now i don't know what else to do but try harder.
Go burn myself out.
I'm going to try and finish my classes. get everything i need done finished. If i can't pass the two classes i need to graduate i don't know what else i can do...
I guess there is a lot i don't know...
TorinStormchaser Community Member 
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