s**t is getting all too complicated around here. im starting to feel numb. im just getting so many mixed emotions from everyone. im really hoping that someone comes to see if im okay just because ive got my songs playing. but nobody ever comes to see if im okay, so i guess ill have to get over it.
i guess i just have no control over anything anymore. things were going so well with everyone. i was getting along with everyone, hardly any drama, and me and alex we're having a good time patching things up. this is exactly why i told him id like to work on our friend status before we even thought about getting back together. i knew things would happen this way and i think im okay with that. like i told him, he's done the most damage to me that he can. he broke my heart once and he wont be able to do it again. but that doesnt help me from hurting myself. i feel like im tearing my heart to pieces right in front of everyone, but it seems to go unnoticed. i hate that i cant be with him, but this is probalby for the best. hes going to do what he wants to, and im just going to have to push myself away from him. its obvious that i cant make him happy and as far as i know, theres nothing else i can really do. i guess ill have to just stand on the sidelines and let him live his life. ive told him that ill always be there if he needs anything, but i think thats all im really left with.
i guess ill just have to do all the emotional damage i can do to myself until i can start feeling better. ive never really had an issue with making myself happy, but maybe thats my problem. i dont know, im just tired of being alone. the fact that i have to rely on myself to be happy instead of someone helping out along the way. i just cant figure out what else i can do. im not changing myself for anyone and theres nobody that i could ever love to expect me to do so. itd be so helpful if i could get some good advice on anything in my love life cause its nothing but a void anymore. a barren wasteland where i sit alone in the darkness waiting for my light. but im tired of waiting. the weight is so heavy on my shoulders that ive crashed to a stop. its ripping what little sanity i have in twain and i dont know how much longer i can keep it together. it makes me want to plummit to the floor and cry back to my sanity. but i dont have it in me to make it seem like ive been broken again. go figure, when i want people to come talk to me and make me feel better, theyre no where to be found. but once im so far gone, when only i can help myself, everyone seems to come flocking.
whats so horrible about all of it is that im the one making me feel like this. no one else has done anything to truely hurt me, but im disecting my heart and my mind over all of it. maybe im being punished for something ive done in a past life. my love life has always been like s**t, even before i ever met alex. ive always had to sit around, alone as a third wheel who can never truely expierence a great realationship. even when i was dating, its always what ive had to go through. dustin lived in illinois, luc was internet, i only saw justin once a week and couldnt go do fun stuff, and alex was gone for a majority of the realationship anyway. where, oh where can i find this love i so despratly need? im just so sick of looking. its going on a year and a half now. why cant this love just find me? now what would be really shitty is if it was right under my nose all along. *sigh* its just not in me to carry on any longer. i had confidence in myself at first, but after so long, its starting to feel kinda pointless. what really is the point of it anymore? maybe im suppose to be all alone, being happy for others when i cant even be happy for myself. what id really like is the confidence that i pretend to have. id feel unstopable if i was really in love with myself as much as i say i am. its really just a front to put me in a temporarily better mood. and it only works when im around people. when im all by myself, i feel useless, worthless, and nothing but a total waste of life.
what a great start to my winter break. and its really no surprise that im still sitting here alone, patheticly waiting for anyone to come in and cheer me up. i still just pour my emotions into black and white. i guess some things never change....
Carrie L Spears
Dec 22, 2007
3:54 a.m. <span id="test16443197">. . .</span><br/><div id="post16443197" style="display:none; margin-right:75px;"></div>
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