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Intially coming into the holidays I felt confident I could emotionally handle being alone. I'm away from my closest friend, away from my family. But despite that I thought. If I just buckle down, grit my teeth I could make it through it. After all it's just another day right? That may be true, the dates for festive traditions are trivial. It's the people you share them with that make the day. It's not a place tacked onto a calendar.
I was actually invited to a friends house. But declined due to silly emotional reasons on my part. I'll just hang out alone I thought, it's cool. I mean why should I burden my situation on others? They didn't do it to me. I put myself here. Every single step thats led me into the very seat I type this from. Was taken by my own feet. I can't lay my problems, or any of it on any one thing. I did it, and it's my fault.
Looking back at the last half of this year. It hasn't been good for me. But I'm sure it hasn't been great for others. No use looking for a pity trip, or taking out my anger and frustration on someone else. That's wrong, take for instance something that happened to me this morning at work. I was in the process of hurrying and stocking something. Just dwelving myself into work to escape from it all. When I heard one of my managers grumbling about a power cord. So I bent over where she was searching through a mass of wires to help her find it.
After a good minute she turned to me and loudly, and coldly said "Well WHERE is IT DJ!" while moments earlier than that she was snapping at a friend of mine at work. Which ticked me off, but when she turned and did the same thing to me. I nearly lost it. I didn't show it of course, but I just gave her a look. Thinking if she continued I was going to flip out.
I don't care who you are, or what sort of things you're dealing with. I don't care what kind of day you're having. DO NOT take it out on someone else. You aren't helping things, you don't or can't make the day better for yourself by making someone elses worse. It's just when she did that, I couldn't help but wonder how she'd feel taking this half a year walk in my shoes. Would she still act grumpy, or is her situation truly large enough I myself would feel bad?
See, you just don't know either way. You just can't be mean to others. Oh trust me I've found myself wanting to be the ticked off guy. The guy that could snap at someone, make them feel bad and walk away hoping they feel as miserable as I did. But it's just not right. I refuse to truly turn bitter. I have walked this life in the shoes of what I'd like to consider a nice persons. I'm not going to trade them in for something else.
Sure, I'm a bit more emotionally withdrawn now. Not quiet as trusting, I feel slightly resentful. But I will never be mean. I can't do it and I won't do it.
But of course I can't help but wonder at times. Is my efforts to remain a decent person worth it? Did I ever do anything so bad in my past as to wind up on this bleak and gloomy neck of the woods? Though am I really in a postion to judge that either way? Can I justify my past actions and equate them in a future situation. Oh I poked fun at my little brother, so I deserve getting in a car accident in the future?
When you begin living your life wondering what your next step could lead in the future. When you start living in fear, how can we accuretly forsee the path ahead? Should we constantly hesitate, letting our foot hover above the ground before we step down? Or is it better to walk blissfully ahead, letting what may come, come? We only live once, so be happy?
In our search of happiness though. Do we really have to allow ourselves to bring others down? Do we have to be mean, or is it possible that we could all eventually walk forward towards the correct path of happiness. While never letter us take out a "bad day" on someone else?
As I approach christmas alone. I find myself muling over the basics of humanity. What makes me tick as a person, what makes others do what they do. I would like to imagine in the perfect world we're all nice. We're all caring. That it's just human nature to pick out the bad things from any given situation. To pick only what we view as bad, so we ourselves could feel superiour by being "nice".
See that instance with the manager ticked me off. She was rude and unprofessional. But she's not a bad person. I can't say that someone who lets their emotions guide them even towards a negative act is bad. We're all human, and should never look down upon one another.
I just hope if anything that you guys who read my journals. Will at least come out of them thinking yourself. Please, let's be nice towards each other. Let's celebrate the base spirit of the holidays. "good will towards men" ect.
I am going to be alone. But I'll continue on, my efforts can't lead me down the scary path of life forever. Right?
Edit: Looks like I'm being forced into going to that friends house. rofl
~DJ Bothwell
 XDvandalDJ · Tue Dec 25, 2007 @ 04:29am · 2 Comments |
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