well yesterday was pretty inturesting...i went out with my dad to see the doctor and it turns out i just have Bronchitis. Oh well im sure i've had that before so im not really concerned. Anyway, afterwards I asked my dad if we could go to one of those stores he told me about where i might find some older looking dresses and he did so i was looking around and it suprised me what nice things i found... but also that the items were so ... inexpensive. i mean like 4 dollars per item of clothing. i dunno it was just odd i suppose. the place is called goodwill and im pretty sure it's where people donate clothes so they can be sold to those not so fortunate. Well whatever the matter i found some nice dresses as i had intended so i decided to look around more considering dad hadn't getten back from Lowes to pick me up. I wandered over to look at some baby clothes and there were some cute things aswell ^_^ im not sure wat caused me ot but i was suddenly just thinking about a child of my own and wondering if that was how a mother felt shopping for her little one. Usually looking through baby clothes dosent provoke this sort of thing in me but once i looked through some of the toys i picked up this little bunny, it's about 9 or so inches tall and it's a mixed array of highlight colors (yellow,green, and orange) with these bright yellow feet, nose, and ears, and has a cute little transparrent yellow bow. when i saw it i had this image of giving it to my child and telling them "ya know? when i was 16 i was thinking about you and got you this toy" ^_^' well we got home and turns out dad let me get the bunny so now its sitting on my bookshelf... and well i suppose it remains to be seen weither or not i'll do that someday. Later that day dad and my sister went out to get some food at mcdonalds so i stayed behind with my grandmother and we spoke of many things. It started with my talking with her about the dresses and me showing them to her but then it shifted into a talk about my going to maridiean instead of college. it's true that my grandmother here and my grandfather in california dont aprove, but his wife (my other grandmother) does and i dunno i guess her aproval is better than nothing. then we began talking about my mom. im not really sure how it flowed into that but usually when me and her talk it's about mom at some point. i just can't believe how horrible one person can be especally to a man that loved her so much and cared for her like no other would. Grandma told me yesterday about how when a woman is pregnant her breasts swell up with milk and i knew that but i didnt know that was sometihng that hurt... kinda like me not knowing until 9th grade that it would hurt to loose your virginity (not from experiance, from a romance novel i was reading) anyway so she told me that that was one thing dad helped my mom with was to get the milk into bottles so it wouldn't hurt her so much and i dunno about most guys but i figure some wouldn't really want to do that... then you think about the men who up and leave their kids... i dunno... i guess im not suprised about my father being so kind and humane... but for my mother to just leave... he was always so good to her... i hate it every time i have to see her and know a part of her flows through me. To know that i can't hate her but hate that someday i may turn and do exactly what she's done. my father did everything for her... and she just left him... and i never realized that he called his parents and cried. he cried for her leaving... he cried for me and my sister because from that point on he knew we wouldn't have a mother. now she has the nerve to say that she's upset about not seeing me and my sister because she's missing out on our childhood and i just want to scream at her. she was never even there for me when i was little. i had to force myself to mature a bit to be able to comfort myself as my own mother especally when i realized that someday i would die. i cried to her saying i was afraid and i didnt want to die... i was probably 6 and she just sat there... cold as stone and kept watching TV as if i didnt exsist... but now... knowing that she didnt want to do to her kids what her parents did to her but she did it anyway... im really afraid to have children of my own.
as for today... im going up to Tonkowa to visit my friend Kit (her name is Kitakale on Gaia)... im not sure how long i'll be there... maybe 5 days or so so yea i'll be gone for a few days. sorry all *hugs* and *smooches*
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