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Staring out the back window of the car, I realized I couldn't see my reflection. All I could see was the scenery as it slid past. It was kinda funny, actually, and fitting. Lately, I'd been having a hard time seeing myself at all. No, it isn't like I suddenly lost every mirror that I might be able to use, that's not what I mean. I mean... well it's kind of hard to explain, really.
It's like I wasn't sure who I was anymore. I'd look in the mirror, and see me, and not recognize me. I don't know who's really behind that face. And dang, they need more sleep then they're getting. But that aside, I couldn't really see who I was. I used to be able to tell you exactly what I wanted to do with my life. Where I wanted to go, what I wanted to do, who I wanted to see.... but not anymore. Everything's gotten confusing lately. Someone upset my life, and I can't set it right again.
I'll watch my friends laughing, chatting, dealing with depressing issues, and just generally living life like teenagers do. My friends always influenced me. They just always have. So I used to be able to take who I used to be and who I want to be, mash them together, and end up with, well, me. Not anymore. Now it feels like I'm standing in the middle of a crowd of my friends and family, watching them moving and continuing with life, and feel like I'm standing still.
I don't know where I am, where I'm going, or where I've been. I can't see myself clearly anymore. It's like that cheesy Disney song. When will my reflection show who I am inside? I guess it's just... a stage. Or something. But I've never felt so unsure of myself. I've stopped running the race and now I'm just standing on the sidelines watching everyone else.
Geez, how many metaphores can I use in the span of ten minutes? Alot, apparently. Oh well. Time to go back to pasting a smile on my face and pretend I know what I'm doing.
I'm no longer going to say whether a journal entry has to do with one of my characters or me. You should be able to figure it out.
 Faith-Hoping-Love · Sun Feb 03, 2008 @ 07:38pm · 0 Comments |
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