Elvenkin//Destiny Monthly: Third Moon, Fifty-Thousand, Three-Hundred and Eighth Decade
Price - 1 Silver, 5 Bronze.
This month in Elvenkin//Destiny Monthly!
I married an Dwarf-Orc hybrid!
How to Defeat Eht'Jol, the Second Born son of Highly respected Goblin Bard and member of the Elder council of Westgate, Eht'KH'usk!
New information about Elvenkin//Destiny MMCCCLXXVIII: The Four Swords + 385, Seven Rings Of Prettiness, Twelve Fairly Priceable Elven Artefacts, Nineteen Scantily Clad Flirty Hot Elven Princesses, three Gaudy Horses, Two Novellas about Catfish, and a Chicken Baguette!
And More ways to waste your useless little life without turning to drugs or Alcohol!
NEWS! New Elvenkin//Destiny MMCCCLXXVIII Details!
In The latest Elvenkin//Destiny world, Orc Warrior Overlord Jibblebr’ok VIMXY is making a long awaited return to reclaim his throne again! Rumours had been speculating about Jibblebr’ok’s Orcdom, and the state it had fallen into, and whether his Fifteenth Cousin, Sixth removed, five times returned, J’Gromble’Domble has succeeded in his quest for the Baguette, Two Novellas and Three Gaudy Horses! Meanwhile, the Nineteen Scantily Clan Flirty Hot Elven Princesses have succeeded in their own mission! No, the brothel is still in the works, but their Humorous Hat & Breastplate Company shall soon be open! It shall be producing Classic hats & Breastplates, such as the Legendary “I r Teh PwNAgE!”, the adorable “I Give You +50 Points to Love” and the unforgettable “Cult Of Ska‘Grop‘Laon was here”! (Please note all Hats/Armour cannot have their Message read unless you hand over you item and let others read the description.) Speaking of which, The Cult Of Ska’Grop’Laon has uncovered it’s next objective - The Seven Rings Of Prettiness, and the Twelve Fairly Priceable Elven Artefacts! However, The Order of The Bacon Roll has returned to put an end to The Cult Of Ska’Grop’Laon’s scheming schemes, by challenging them to P.VS. P combat, using their secret weapons, the legendary, unique Four Swords + 385*! What will happen next in this fairly middling plot? You** decide!
* These items are to be made available to each member of the Order.
** You do not actually decide.
Other News:
The Holy legion has begun it’s siege on the much larger and thus more likely to win Accursed Realm headquarters! The war between the two nations broke out when the Grand Leader of the Accursed Realm parked his car in the Holy Legion‘s Champions parking spot for three and two thirds of a minute to deliver a gift to his terminally ill Aunty Cra’gosh Of the Accursed, a lady who was well known in the Accursed Realm for her Large Caramel Slices and also, less importantly, Battleaxes Of Death. The Holy Legion Champion, Hrok’lipur had this to say on the matter:
“I don’t care if his Aunt was feeling poorly. That was my space, and even though I only needed the toilet, and his Aunt was dying, a Parking Space for our Chariots is a Parking Space for OUR Chariots!” In reply, Grand Leader Lipesk’juyr Claimed that “I am rather annoyed about this whole Kerfuffle.” More News, next month!
IMPORTANT NOTICE!
As of next season, some weapons are to be banned, due to their unfairness in the world. If you return it to any Imperial, Holy, or Accursed legion fortress before then, you get your gold back, and a free Goblin raiding party, so turn over the following items now!
Shotgun of Chaos Series Weapons.
Hand Explosives + 12 onwards, all prior weapons are still legal.
Nitrogen Bomb, any person found with any of these after the ban shall be attacked by all Legion soldiers in the area, even if they are allied with the person. However, due to the items insane power, it is likely that the Legion Soldiers will soon see a Re-Spawn screen.
Blasters are to be “Toned Down” and returned to the person, except members of the Royal Legion ranked Kynmeeve and above, as they have duties to guard to Royal Leaders and Family as part of their class.
Any Item of Total And Utter PWNAGE +3. Every other weapon of Total And Utter PWNAGE is legal.
Thank you for your Co-Operation!
Elvenkin//Destiny Monthly’s Aid for Lower-Levelled Players
This Month: Defeating Eht'Jol, the Second Born son of Highly respected Goblin Bard and member of the Elder council of Westgate, Eht'KH'usk, in Toothpick to mighty Claymore of Ownage +1 Combat!
This is possible by First contacting the Half-Elf Ranger, Jim, in the Darkbow District, Level 9, who, after you compliment him on his hair, a lightish shade of purple with yellow “Mist Swirls” in them, presents you with the Ne’er Singing Sword, unless you are a Dryad. The sword has blatantly obvious magical properties, with which Eastern Goblins can be killed with relative to moderate ease, even though they are the son of a famous goblin Bard. The other way of slaying Eht’Jol, is with sneak, seduction, and a Mighty Claymore of Ownage +1. First, you should Sneak into his three floored apartment through the basement, which has a large trapdoor with a neon arrow above it. Once here, you must Seduce the Goblin by waggling your left toes at him. Finally, Use your mighty Claymore of Ownage +1 on him. He will only be able to respond by throwing a toothpick at you. This toothpick is completely round, and the size of a toothpick which is completely round, and the goblin has the throwing ability of a seduced Goblin, which is none, as it will be rolling around while it’s limbs fall off. Finish him off by using the Alarm Clock of Destiny on him, which will make his ears feel sore, which as we all know, is the biggest weakness of all Goblins that are the second born son of famous Goblin Bards. That that, is the easiest way to slay Eht’Jol, The second born son of Highly respected Goblin Bard and member of the Elder council of Westgate, Eht'KH'usk, in Toothpick to mighty Claymore of Ownage +1 Combat! Elvenkin//Destiny Forever!
Area Spotlight!
Row. D’s Café is the latest location for all Elvenkin//Destiny players to meet, brawl with each other, and get a nice cuppa. Inspired by the Roman colosseum, the café offers you the chance to enjoy yourself by watching hundreds of people hack at each other in the safety of your tea, and also kick some dwarves yourself. The owner, Rowland Dirge, told us that giving people the chance to kill as well as have a nice cup of tea in a rowdy, violent atmosphere was a long term dream of his, and now that dream has finally come true in a bloody maelstrom. If you visit Row. D’s Café and you happen to be a pure blood player, then Row. D himself allows you to get free membership for one whole season! Sadly, no half breeds can take this offer. It is open to pure blood variations, such as the Dark Elf, and similar races. Elvenkin//Destiny Monthly hope’s that his dice rolls come out on a high number!
Important Announcement!
Class Explanations
This Season, we’re covering the Dark-Druid-SpellSword-Knight-Hero-Badger, and explain to you how to best utilise it’s special abilities!
The Dark-Druid-SpellSword-Knight-Hero-Badger was uncovered in the recent expansion, “Hat of The Betrayer”, as part of the SpellSword-Knight-Hero quest lines, enabling you to harness the awesome powers of the classes Dark-Druid, and call upon the mediocre badger companion. The Dark-Druid-SpellSword-Knight-Hero-Badger was the primary force of Gram’Blo’Iano, the mystical Half-Evlen/Orcish/Goblin/Midget/Dwarf, sole son of Gram’Biln’Racko’Kor, but one of several hundred daughters, who are currently located in Row. D‘s cafe, serving assorted drinks in funny hats to patrons. He (Gram’Blo’Iano) was well known for his Wrist-Watch Of Legacy, one of the Sacred Doo-Hickies of the Mid-Nor-Wes-Sou-Eas-Northern Islands. He was heavily involved in the “Sacred Doo-Hickies” expansion, which has fallen into legend, as no-one actually could afford it, due to spending their gold on non-essentials such as “food“ and “water“, not to mention “housing“.
The Dark-Druid-SpellSword-Knight-Hero-Badger’s biggest advantage is that it only has the powers of the Dark-Druid, SpellSword, Knight, Hero, and Badger combined. However, it does not pay to think that it can overcome all of those classes. Nay, even that it could overcome one of those classes. It is infact, one of the weakest, underused, and boring classes in the game. Even it’s magical badger-like powers do not aid in the slightest in combat, as “Snuffle” and “Eat Insects” do not cause much damage. However, it has the mighty “Rabies” ability, which enables it to give any other Elvenkin Resident rabies. Sadly, there is not yet a cure for this, which is why the few people who do play as Dark-Druid-SpellSword-Knight-Hero-Badgers happen to be hunted down and shot. Like a badger. Overall, a fun class to play as, as long as you don’t mind being killed every ten minutes (Central Elvenkin Time).
Elvenkin//Destiny Mail!
Once again, it’s that time of the Moon Phase again, when we read, and reply to your mail, to us. This Phase, we’re giving away a Claymore Of Ownage +1 to our “favourite” letter! What will we be giving out next month? Wait and see!
Tale Of The Month!
“I Married A Dwarf-Orc Hybrid!”
Dear Elvenkin//Destiny Monthly,
I have recently been recognised across Elvenkin//Destiny, Realm Skradiona, when I bridged the gap across Good/Evil and Lawful/Unlawful Alignments, with the first marriage involving an High-Night-Wood Elf, and a Dwarf-Orc, so I thought that I’d write in with my tale.
I met him in the P.V.P. during the Welinkrow campaigns. He was at critical, so I hastily cast “Cure +4” on him. Our spell. His name was “Dudemaster37530475943”. After the P.V.P. ended, we began talking, and eventually started to quest together. We travelled the Elvenkin world, heading to many quests and meeting hundreds of NPCs. After a while, we set out on a quest to forge a wedding ring. We did not log off in over 59 hours completing that quest. The next day, we did the whole thing again, after realising we needed two rings to be married, and spent a further 14 hours choosing a wedding location, outfits, and filling the guest list with our friends.
Now, we’re living together in Scragol, and are thinking about children. Of course, no expansion includes children, so we can just think about them some more.
Thank you.
Ladyawesomeness37530475943.
The Editors Response -
Wow! That’s one beautiful tale! Bards will be singing of this in the future! It’s great news to hear the Race gap being bridged, especially just after the Elven/Dwarf Wars. Ad also, you may want to think harder about children - I’ve heard rumours of a special limited edition pack being brought out featuring your very own NPCs*! As Tale Of The Month, you’ve won yourself a Claymore Of Ownage +1! Congratulations, and may your die rolls turn out critical!
* These rumours are nonsense.
Poll Results! Question - Is Leather Armour worthy of it’s own “+(X) To Breasts?” Ranking?
87% - Says yes!
12% - Says No!
1% - Says “T1tZ RAWK!”
A Clear Victory for Yes! View the End Word for Next Lunar Phase’s Poll!
“Elvenkin//Destiny Ballard!”
Dear Elvenkin//Destiny Monthly,
I am a Level 42 Dryad Bard, in the Fowritian realm, and recently I wrote a ballad about Elvenkin. It is played to the “Boost Charisma” Song.
(Intro)
Elvenkin! Elvenkin! Sweet and Mighty Elvenkin!
Elvenkin! Elvenkin! Sweet and Mighty Elvenkin!
(Verse)
The Elvenkin realm, as grand as can be,
Is not in that much harmony,
The realms alter, It changes you see,
To View it alter, requires skipping tea.
(Chorus)
Elvenkin! Elvenkin! Sweet and Mighty Elvenkin!
Cause A Shout! Create A Din!
For The Sweet And Mighty Elvenkin!
(Verse II)
The Orcish North, The Elven Sea,
Populated With The Grandest Army,
The Wooded South, The City Of Glea,
Home to the Plutocracy.
(Chorus)
Elvenkin! Elvenkin! Sweet and Mighty Elvenkin!
Cause A Shout! Create A Din!
For The Sweet And Mighty Elvenkin!
(Verse III)
Elvenkin is cleared of Gre-,
If, Depression Is cured by removal of the knee,
The Age Rating Is 23,
Purchase it Now, preferably from EB!
(Chorus)
Elvenkin! Elvenkin! Sweet and Mighty Elvenkin!
Cause A Shout! Create A Din!
For The Sweet And Mighty Elvenkin!
Elvenkin! Elvenkin! Sweet and Mighty Elvenkin!
Cause A Shout! Create A Din!
For The Sweet And Mighty Elvenkin!
Elvenkin! Elvenkin! Sweet and Mighty Elvenkin!
Cause A Shout! Create A Din!
For The Sweet And Mighty…
Elvenkin!
I hope you enjoy singing my Ballad. Thank you, and a “Greetings” to my travelling companion, Urgroth The Annihilator, and his sister, Drohjow the Thorn!
Lorgoth Of Tral
The Editors Response -
We’ve just had our Resident Bard, John, sing this for us, and it sounds amazing when the music is playing along with it! It’s so good, we’re going to show it to the Elvenkin Overlords, who created the realm! If you’re lucky, it may even end up in an expansion pack! We hope to hear more songs from you soon!
End Word
Noble Elvenkin citizens, that is all we have time for this Lunar Phase, but be sure to log off long enough to eat, drink, and purchase next month’s copy of Elvenkin//Destiny Monthly! Next time, we’ll be looking at further detail about the new expansion pack, Elvenkin//Destiny MMCCCLXXVIII: The Four Swords + 385, Seven Rings Of Prettiness, Twelve Fairly Priceable Elven Artefacts, Nineteen Scantily Clad Flirty Hot Elven Princesses, three Gaudy Horses, Two Novellas about Catfish, and a Chicken Baguette! We may even have a hands on test*! Of course, we’ll bring you the latest news from the Elvenkin Kingdom, and have our Lunarly guide for Low-Levels, not to mention the Area/Class spotlight. Finally, next Month’s Poll is this - Is Eht'Jol’s sister, Gre’Jol, Attractive? Find out the answers next month!
And Remember - An Hour Without Elvenkin Is An Hour Wasted!
* Please, don’t break into our scripture halls again, or we won’t be able to bring you these hands on anymore, and they will remain locked away in a dungeon and surrounded by people with the Assassin Class, all with the “Instant Kill - Humanoid” special ability.
I was bored. Alright?
Lord RPGs Community Member 
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