well i don't remember what it was like befor age 4 because i only remember my life begining one morning where i woke up and went down stairs to eat breakfast, things back then seemed so peacefull like nothing could ruin our family bonds. my brother was at least 11 or 12 back then. i had everything i could wish for a loving mother i wouldn't trade for the world a big brother who looked out for me & my best friend kattie, it was great. well it didn't last long one day my mom moved us to her mothers house, grandma barbra in the country side of vacaville california.. we moved in and i started kindergarten at hemlock elementry about a week or so after at this point i was about 7 or 8 mom was in scerious pain according to gram, it firghtened me but at the age i was the simplest thought that came to mind was mom would be alright, mom was strong, i was wrong, the next morning she was gone i asked grama where she was and grama explained she had passed on at that moment i was on the verge of a mental colaps. but my brother suffered more pain that i did he had known dad & when daid passed on my brother was hurt but when mom passed he literaly sat by her side and was the one who told her it was time to go immagine what that did to him he had already seen death happen to dad & now it was moms turn. i slowly got over it thinking it was time to move on it was what mom would want. as i began to push most of my attention into school i realised that i was realy different from these kids, i felt like i was the bubonic plegue or something. sure i made many friends like summer crow & others. i was told by many people that my smiles & hyper activity made things fun so i just went with being myself, i was still seen like an asylum escapy though. then enter 4th -6th grade i met rikkie sam & drew. we had an evil teacher named mrs. smith in 4th grade & she tried her hardest o get any student in trouble i was always the one blamed for what others had done, i began to hate myself actualy thinking it was all my own fault. by 5th grade we had mr. smenteck he was a little better but he absolutly loathed art witch was my only way to express my true emotions & still is to this day. one day i was drawing and he came up tore the picture in half & yelled at me saying there was no future in art,i actualy considered this to be true but refused to let it get to me.and every recess during 4th-6th i was mainly used as a human punching bag by drew sam & rikkie. in 6th grade it was okay things died down and i began to believe all my problems where over well they started up again first i was beaten up again by the 3 guys during recess & even if i told the yard dutie's wouldn't do s**t about it. and then one night after a realy harsh harsh day of school unckle mike yelled at me for my grades and that completely shattered my sences for the night. the first time i ever considered scuicide, that night after he had gone to bed i grabbed the butcher knife from the kitchen and went to the living room i held it to my chest and i wanted to pierce my heart so badly i was crying so hard too and i thought what was the point even if i was dead it wouldn't matter i mean i'd only make my family sad and that in my eyes was the worst i could ever do. i dropped the knife & thought for a long time about how to go about things and then i remembered how my mom used to try & get me to see the brighter side of things, so i tried my hardest to do so i was able to but only temperarly after so much abuse frustration and misery it was so hard even if i was able to it didn't seem right i wanted to lose all my emotions at that time but because how many ppl where happy when i was i decided i would try my best to look towards the future and see the good in it and though i could not mentaly bring myself to be happy i made an external mental mask of pure joy & happiness that is the evan most people know. after i entered middle school i became friends with abbie & victoria though she loved me like a brother victoria continuously hit me and physically hurt me witch damaged my mental sences even further. abbie had developed a crush on me so i dated her for a year and after about a year of dating i realised i had no intrest in women of anykind and i always knew i found myself attrackted to guys and people ragged on me for that well those who found out that wheren't friends, so i continued the fake mask trying to be as normal as posible and the 8th grade i dumped abbie telling her why and her & victoria where shocked to know it.i met alex & khizor that year they got me into drawing anime and alex was cool once you got passed the verbal abuse but that usualy ment she liked you but with my past it kinda still hurt. then in high school things finally slowed down the only thing that i couldn't stop was the emotions i felt i still ended up making a few bad friends and drew & sam still leared over my sholder sometimes frank domonica was the one who's punches hurt worst and he usualy didn't mean to hurt me but it was still painfull and harmed me both physically & mentaly. that same year i became friends with Angie Natalie & Larah who knew me in middle school but we never realy got to know one another.angie and i became best friends & i told them all straight up i was gay all of them suprised at it none had ever considered i might be. then over the summer i went to angies birthday and meat allot of her family & friends two i noted & wanted to meet most where jacob & Brandon her two other gay friends i admit at first i was intimidated but their both realy nice people and i enjoyed getting to know them allot. all this and some i left out it how i got to be the person i am today, i am emotionaly chalanged afraid of rejection hate having others hate me laid back depressed(most of the time but not all) sad and a little happy go lucky mixed in not manny pay attention but if u pay close attention to me you'll knotice that most the time i either have no expression of emotion on my face witch angie natalie & larah say is scarey and sometimes its a very sad look.
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