It's been a long while since I have last posted. I am pretty sure though that no one reads this, that is why I can post as truthfull as I am going to. Recently I have moved into my own place, no one else other then my friend(pet) Flea and me live here. I love it, but since I last posted I have moved from FL to NC and made a few friends in the almost year I have been here. By few I mean 4 and I have lost 2 of them already. One because of the fact that he was friends with the one who hurt me the most since I have been here and I think has held this person in high regard almost an idol if you would for a while, and because of that I can not trust that if I express myself it won't get back to the one who hurt me. The other friend I lost was not a very good friend at all. I am 23 yrs of age and I will be 24 this june. I have seen and been threw many tramatic things in my life, mostly sex related abuse. Yet some how I have only found comfort in men, ( all who have abused me) all who have hurt me. But I guess I have always thought to have an understanding of what types of people they where threw there gender. I have had little female friends because I guess I don't have a good understanding of them. Maybe it's that I don't have a clear understanding of people that won't hurt me.?. Im not sure.
I am torn between the life I had and the unknown of starting a new life here. Will it be better? Will it be worse? Will I grow as a person? Or will I decay back into the earth and have to start a-new in another life? What will become of me if I can not find any soild ground to stand on? The things back home seem so soild, but I know in my heart that is a lie. They are not soild, im just use to dealing with that level of inconcestincey. While if I managed a way to live back home, would I really be able to live? Or would I just fall back into the system of the every day monotany of life.
One thing I am sure of is that I am over livingn the life of a victim, while I never asked to put myself in thouse postions I never wanted to be there either. It wasn't my fault at any time, although my disorders tell me another story. I just want to be happy, I want to find it in me to do the thing's I always dreamed of doing. I want to dance I want to draw and paint I want to help the world out in even the smallest way. I want to live!
I just am not sure how to start it.
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 ChibiWitch · Wed Mar 05, 2008 @ 05:17am · 1 Comments |
