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Oh my godd.. This has been so weird. It feels like I'm actually living. So many things are happening. In a way I like it, though.

The first thing in my mind is my mom. She's ill. I feel so sorry for her. She is really in pain all the time. She can't do anything. She can't eat, she can't walk very far, and she faints when she tries to. I hope she'll be fine tomorrow again. I'm so worried. My daddy is gonna call a doctor tomorrow. How am I supposed to go to school? My Gosh... I can't even think clearly. T.T

Another thing I'm worried about are the exams. They are coming in like a month and I haven't prepaired. All my books are in my locker, at school, and I couldn't study this weekend. I'm going to make a plan this week, and finish with mathematics. Then we get a studying break and I'll get to rewise everything. I have to take books home the coming week.

I've gained a kilo. I'm so sad about it. T.T I'll have to eat less. I suppose it's also because I haven't had time to do sports recently, and my hand sort of broke, so I can't practice handstands anymore, like I did around the easter. So shitty. I wanna be thin like I was before I came to Holland. Oh, but everybody gains weight in Holland, and I am leaving. All this fat will probably be gone in two months when I get back to my country. I'm also gonna have hobbies when I move, so I won't sit at home every single night, like I do here. I'll also have friends, who will be going out with me, to cinema and so. Somebody who speaks my language, ya know. Oh, why is that so important to me?

Another thing that comes from that: I just don't want to move anymore! I love this land. I've started to like everything in Holland. Plus I'm kind of out of the teenager culture, as I don't speak the language, which is good. Here I am growing up to be myself. It's easier to be yourself when people around you accept it, as they know they won't understand you. Finland has lots of good things, but even I, who has moved about 14 times, am afraid of going to a new school once again. Now I haven't moved for three years. That's the longest time I have ever stayed in one place, and I am so scared of going to a new place now. What if nobody likes me? They are all a year younger than me, because Finland only has one year of IGCSE, and actually where I am going is not IB. What worries me too is the way people will treat me there. They'll probably think I am proud and arrogant, as an average Finn has never lived anywhere else. Probably most of them live their whole lives in the same house. No one will be listening to me, because everyone is just jealous. I think.. no, I'm sure I will need help when I go. I will have to have somebody to talk to. Otherwise I am going to die. I don't understand how "Flower" had no problems when she left Holland, and moved to Iran.

OMG, I don't even know if I'll be able to go to Iran to see her this year. She is so waiting for me, and I want to go, but we are very poor at the moment. She won't understand it either. She'll be sad if I tell her I can't go, and she'll think it was just a fake excuse because I am afraid. My father says we are not going if I cannot get the money for my own ticket, which means I would have to go find a job, or my mom suggested that I could participate a drawing competition for money. It's also impossible to earn such sum as more than 700 euros in four months. No one will pay me that much. And then I can't go to work, because I have to study as well. But no matter how it is, I will try to get some money, and I hope I'll earn more than a 100 euros. Maybe my parents will be impressed and take me to Iran anyways. Hopefully. sweatdrop

I'm tired. I'm always tired. Today I have been doing nothing. I have been sitting at gaia, earning gold, and trying to think af good things about Roliana, but there are very little. I need to go to sleep, so... Cheers..

Who am I talking to? Myself...