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i hate myself. i hate myself. i hate myself.
i can't get her out of my head! i totally utterly hate myself. it's just, all i went through for her, all i gave her, all i did for her. and she broke up with me and i never found out why. i remember when we first went out. that ended in total desaster. i could never work up the nerve to ask her out. even though she and everybody else knew i liked her. and she liked me back. i swear when i found out i felt like running around the whole frikin world shouting out in joy. finaly she waited for me after class and said "are you gonna ask me out or not??" and i so i did and i never felt better. but i was so freaking shy in those times that i only had the nerve to look at her and sometimes write a note to her but if she was with any of her friends, even if she was alone, i couldnt bear to talk to her. i felt i was gonna start stuttering or say something stupid. so eventualy i told one of her friends i was gonna break up with her. but to my suprise, she started telling me about how she always talked about me at lunch and how she really did like me so then i liked her more than ever, but then after a little while she started liking somebody else named jackson (or so i was told by people) and i of course didnt know but i started noticing that she barely ever looked at me anymore and one night while playing runescape (online game on runescape.com. it's free and doesnt require any downloads) one of her friends told me that she "thought she was going out with me out of pity for me." and at that moment my heart felt like it had just been diped in acid and i started crying at the spot. i started asking so many wuestions and my friends did everything they could to stop her but it was inevitable, and she broke up with me at recess. andpretty mich cried the rest of the day. school went on as usual and eventualy summer came after a while into summer she decided to make a runescape account. it took her about 2 hours to do the starting tutorial (must be a new record) and eventualy i was able to talk to her, though for some reason she only had bad things to say to me. that went on until she was able to be ok with my presence in runescape. the whole time i did almost everything she wanted and needed and everything she didnt need until we got to be friends again and did quests together and helped me with things. and we and all my friends on runescape had a very great time. all the while i was doing everything i could to try to get her to like me againontent. one day she became a member and we did member quests and all that good stuff. school had started and we saw eachother and said hi. and eventualy she asked if we could talk at the end of the day. so we aranged plans to talk at the very end of the day before our buses left and that was fun. and she taught me to be less shy too. and eventualy i took her to this quest that helps your construction lvl (house building lvl) and after i while she said she'd be right back and was about to log off but right before she did she wrote "oh and will you go out with me?" and logged off. you can't imagine how happy i was at that moment. when she came back i didnt know what to say so i logged off, a while later i got back on and she was on so i ignored her for a little while and thought that i had imagined it all. and eventualy she asked "are you going to answer my question?" and not knowing if i had missed something i asked "what question?" so she stated again that she wanted to go out with me. so i ran around my computer room with joy and and said, "well as long as it doesnt end up like last time where we ended up being total strangers in the end." she agreed and so i went out with her. and so we met up every day and talked and talked on the phone every night at 7:00 which is when it was free for her. every once in a while i had found out from her friends that she had planned to kiss me. i really wanted that to happen, it's just that somebody always messed it up. except once, it was TOTALLY my fault. i had won her a cool giant black inflated fuzzy skull covered bouncy ball at the fair and aranged to give it to her at this cool hangout place that my town has. so pretty much the whole time that we were away from eachother's parents i could have. it's just my dang shyness and my wanting to make sure i didn't do anything to upset her that made me never do it. i so wanted to. but never could bring myself to. all was well until one night when we were talking it got into the subject of why we liked eachother. for some reason, we were mostly baffled, or at least we wouldn't say anything. then, getting kinda scared that this conversation would go the wrong way i started saying stupid things and i felt so...stupid. finaly the stupidest thing for me to do was when she asked me if i honestly liked her, i told her that i loved her. i had realized after already saying it how much of an idiot i was and a minute later, i found out that she had taken it the wrong way, and told me that i scared her, cuz she thought i like her more than she liked me. the next day we were talking on gaia (she had started playing) she sent me a message that said she thought it weould be better for us to stay as friends. and my heart toatlly shatered into a bazzilion pieces. she threw in that she would kiss me before we broke up, but i dont know why but she never did. maybe it was my fault again, who knows. i of course couldn't do anything to upset her or make her sad or mad so i agreed and we broke up, vowing to be friends. but after a while we sort of drifted away from eachother until she started sorta ignoring me, and trying not to get the feeling of stupidness again, did the same. after a long period of time we sorta drifted back together as friends and that is where we stand today. i talk to her over gaia and e-mail, but still i can't bring myself to say anything to her especialy around her friends at school. i think my old shyness has come back to me. and it's kinda natural. i've become very sensitive because my parents got divorced and my mom moved away so i can only see her once a month. and so i've become very shy and sensitive again just like at the begining of this story. i don't think i ever recieved anything from her, which in a way is good, because throwing it out wouldnt be right at all and keeping it with me would be murder on my emotions. i know that you're supposed to move on and all. and i try the best i can but i just can't keep her out of my head, it drives me to the brink of exploding. *sigh* but this entry is too long now, and i must end it. bye bye.
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