Welcome to Gaia! :: View User's Journal | Gaia Journals

I'm starting to write a story and thought that I would do a prelude. It's a very angry and sad story so I just thought I would warn you.

You know that feeling where you're helpless? Where you can't save yourself or your friends? When it feels like you're slowly loosing your friends and the ones that you care about the most? You want to cut yourself so badly and so deep that you soak your white carpet in blood. You're so damn angry that you want to punch someone in the face, and shake them, and just scream at them like they're trash. When you feel like you're loosing your best friend/sister and there's nothing you can do about it. It makes you want to pull your hair out and then out and never wake up, and when they find you...all of your pills are gone. You want to ask them "How come when I needed you most..you were off with him?!" or "How come he gets all of the phone calls and text messages?!" You just want to scream at all of them. You want to know why, that when you ask for advice...they always change the subject. You want to know why you feel so damn alone! When you hear there names...you just want to scream.
But you're afraid to tell your friend how you really feel because you don't want to loose them. You've felt like you've already lost them. You're alone....and you want to cry out, but no one's there to hear you. You want to want to call them, but you now they're busy and you don't want to bother them {plus their home phone isn't working and that's the only number you have} After all they change the subject. You're lost, lonely and scared...and theirs nothing you can do about it. Sooner or later you're going to drown in your own sorrow. But you'll be happy...you don't have to worry anymore. You don't have to care or hurt anymore.
The world is turning into a living hell. You're stomach hurts so bad from your bleeding stomach ulcer and all you can do is wither in pain. You stand there as the fire feels like it's burning off your flesh. You see the flames and the demons, the people being burned alive. One of them is that sister like friend. You're fire proof and you know save them, but you don't. You let them die a sinful painful death as you watch and they know you're watching. They cry out for help but you do nothing. You just smile at them as they burn. But in the end you would really give your life for them. You wake up from the dream where you have control and weep for even thinking that of your friend. But you suddenly realize that you don't care anymore. Maybe you want them dead. After all she has him. She makes it seem that's all she needs. You can't look at them or think of them the same. You try to forget about them, but you can't. You feel as if you have nothing left, nothing left to loose.You hear a wicked laughter at the horrible thoughts. An encouraging laugh.. Then you find out that it's you. You're greatest sin...WRATH!
You want to go up to him and scream at him that "he's never going to be good enough! Even if they do wed...he will still never be good enough in my eyes. If you do anything to upset her..even a little that I will be over there so fast he won't know what's coming!" You'll break his face in and rip off that little fun place. He better be afraid...very afraid and intimidated. After all, your nails are strong and sharp. There is nothing keeping from ripping his face off.
You want to know why you're always the last to know. You want that phone call so damn bad, but you know you're going to get it. It will never come. You can't sleep or eat. You want to know if he really loves her like he says. You want to know if they're others or have there been. You try to distract yourself so you don't think of them, but there is nothing that distracting.
You let your guard down to let them in...to get close to them, and now you regret doing so. You want to stop caring, but you can't. When you feel like your the last priority in her eyes, that hypocrite of a friend. But yet a friend that you desperately don't want to loose.