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I have so much stuff going on, and I try to supress it... I hide behind laughter, and smiles. I sometimes wonder If I can every truly be happy.... I have so many over whelming thoughts in my mind... And I have to write them down... So please excuse me... I don't mean to ramble....

Family: My family is contently fighting, My grandparents are dying rapidly and I can't even go see them... I feel like such an a*****e. I know I do everything I can for them but it doesn't seem like enough... Mom is working so many hours just to pay bills. I wish I could find a decent paying Job and believe me, I'm trying... Leia my sister, Has a job but takes no responsiblities for herself... She's 24 and still lives with us, while mom pays for her car payments and insurance. Ugh I suppose I'm writting this because she set me off.... I asked a simple question and she flipped out. I don't know how "are you taking that out with you?" is offensive but it is... She proceeded to tell me that I do nothing (Even though I'm currently doing all my chores and hers) she called me fat... and "a ******** worthless c**t" (excuse my language please...) And I told her to keep her voice down because it was early and our mom was sleeping, so apparently I was being "all high and mighty" *sighs* I kept my cool while she kept telling me how horrible I was, and what not.... putting up a front to hide my emotions is what I do best..... Before she left she told me to tell my mom that she was moving out because she couldn't live with "a ******** b***h of a sister" I wish she was serious about this.... But I know she's not... When she left, I felt so stupid because I started to cry.... She said a lot of things... It kind of reminded me of my father, How he would just put me down when I tried everything in my power to make everyone happy. I feel Like an idiot for crying while writting this...

Mom.... I told mom what happened and she got upset, because she agrees with me... I told here everythignthat Leia said and she got really quiet with anger. I just wonder how many live I'll ******** up today... I feel so bad for my mom.... She works so much, and her family is fighting, her parents are dying... I wish I could do more... I'm doing everything she asks of me though.... I hate seeing her upset.... She is everything to me... If she wasn't there I'd be so lost...

Friends: Jesse.... She is always there for me... I called her last night because I heard more bad news about my grandparents and she made me feel so much better. Mom and I were talking and she told me that she likes Jesse the best b/c she's always there for me no matter what... And she is... We've known eachother for 8 years now, and I thank God for that.... I know I can be myself around her and that I can talk to her about anything... I hope that everyone has a friend like her now or someday...

I feel like my other friends are drifting away from me... Danielle since she's gotten her licence has called me twice. Once to see if we were going to meet her at group. and the other time to see if I could pick up Peeps. Danielle and I use to hang out every day... It sucks... I feel as if I'm only good for rides, or I;m just an inconvinience.

Victor: We just celebrated our 6th month anniversary. I am so in love with him.... Its unbelievable. He makes me smile, and laugh... I feel guilty though... I should better. I think he deserves so much better than me.. and I know this is due to my low self esteem, but since the fight this morning I've had too much time to think.. He deserves some one beautiful, Not a hideous beast.. He has so many girls that like him, and I know I can love him more than anyone else could ever hope, but i wonder if thats enough... I know it is, I know he thinks I'm Beautiful... But i also think he just says that sometimes. Damnit i wish I could think straight....


I'm really sorry for wasting your time.... I feel really retarded for crying like the "little b***h" that I am... until next time......