Rules by Women
1. The woman always makes the rules.
2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.
3. No man can possibly know all the rules.
4. If the woman suspects the man knows too many rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.
5. The woman is never wrong.
6. If the woman is wrong, it is a direct result of something the man did or said wrong.
7. If rule #6 applies, the man must immediately apologize.
8. The woman can change her mind at any time.
9. The man may never change his mind without express written consent from the woman.
10. The woman has every right to become angry or upset at any time.
11. The man must remain calm at all times, unless the woman wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The woman must, under no circumstances, let the man know if she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. If the woman has PMS, all rules are null and void.
14. If two women disagree about a rule, they are both right.
15. Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm.
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40 Fun Things to do in an Elevator
1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, 'Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!'
2. Whistle the first seven notes of 'It's a Small World' incessantly.
3. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
4. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
5. Shave.
6. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: 'Got enough air in there?'
7. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
8. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
9. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
10. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
11. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go 'plink' at the bottom.
12. Do Tai Chi exercises.
13. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: 'I've got new socks on!'
14. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, 'Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!'
15. Meow occasionally.
18. Frown and mutter 'gotta go, gotta go' then sigh and say 'oops!'
19. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
20. Sing 'Mary had a little lamb' while continually pushing buttons.
21. Holler 'Chutes away!' whenever the elevator descends.
22. Leave a box between the doors.
23. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
24. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers 'through' it.
25. Start a sing-along.
26. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask 'is that your beeper?'
27. Play the harmonica.
28. Say 'Ding!' at each floor.
29. Lean against the button panel.
30. Say 'I wonder what all these do' and push the red buttons.
31. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
32. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your 'personal space.'
33. Bring a chair along.
34. Blow spit bubbles.
35. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
36. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
37. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
38. Wear 'X-Ray Specs' and leer suggestively at other passengers.
39. Stare at your thumb and say 'I think it's getting larger.'
40. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler 'Bad touch!'
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