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Satisfaction
If I were drunk,I 'd probably rant about something else that's bugging me, but since i'm NOT drunk, I don't want to get into it.
Now...i'm just pissed off. My mood changes every few hours...nothing satisfies me for very long. Maybe it's just because i'm not DOING anything. Or, maybe it's because i'm not doing anthing that i'm forced to deal with it. I COULD find satisfaction in my schoolwork...I bury myself in it-- either doing it or finding creative ways to avoid doing it, but at least it gives me something else to think about. So...maybe I'll try to bury myself in a video game...like Megaman ZX Advent. heh. If you want a challenge, your fingers are going ot have to step it up a notch to get accustomed to the kind of action you'll face. Heh. Or maybe I turn to music. No rock-- i'm not angry, per se. Just...unsettled...generaly upset. I remind myself of King Saul who had David play his harp for him. Eventually, even that wasn't enough...so he threw a spear at him...the modern day equivalent of throwing your radio at a wall. Of course God doesn't get nearly as pissed about a radio as he did about David.
I am not spiralling into depression of my own accord, it's more like i'm just standing on an escalator...it is pushing me toward my doom, i'm not walking toward it. In order to try to change my frame of mind, I try to hang out with people...chat online, hang with friends, or visit family. It's hard to allow yourself to be depressed around people that care-- they'll ask you about it, and you don't want to talk about it, do you? All the while, my heart is like Playdough left in the sun...getting hearder by the moment. Maybe it's not depression, maybe i'm just retreating into my shell for a period to grieve and count my beans and cans of tuna before I venture out-- undoubtedly ro get my head nearly cut off again.
I find it interesting that i'm praying again. Nothing big or spectacular, just before I close my restless eyes, I whisper a few names that I ask God (if I have any right) to watch out for while i'm not watching. I try not to view God as a genie...rub the pot, ask him for 3 things, then go about your merry way. Heh. If God were a genie i'd be sitting pretty right now.
As per my physical condition, while i'm thinking about it, i'm fine, actually. A few less cat scratches, a few lew zits, hair needs cuttin', I'm a pants size smaller...maybe a tad sunburnt. I'm still getting over a cold, but thank heaven it's over. Nothing like being miserable physically and mentally. I can see it in my face, i'm terribly stressed. It's pretty bad when even I can tell in my face. My eyes seem...sunken in...hiding...cold...tired. It's not that i'm not looking forward to anything, in fact I can't wait to turn 21, or get my Associates Degree...or get a new job...maybe move. It's not all storm clouds and coal, there's many things that I truly love that I surround myself with- feelings. They don't really exist...and maybe it's a little silly to surround myself with such notions as nostalgia found in old video games and the reminiscence of classic stories. My hopes-- the goals I plan to fulfill when the time comes...The big house, the flashy car, the silly dream of taking over the world, if only for a moment. And it's when such "sunshiney" things come to mind that it all falls apart again-- the imaginary mansion becomes a drab castle, the sunshine and birds become clouds and bats...and the silly dream turns into cacklings of a mad scientist; all because one thing is missing-- her. Who is she? Is she blonde? Brunette? How much can you see in her eyes...what can you see? A beach...the mountains...the stars? What does her laugh sound like? What quirks does she have that I will unrelentlessly poke fun at? This is where my new nickname comes in-"Twilight Nightmare"-Twilamre- a marriage of light and dark, and the knowlegde that either way, it's still a trap. Freakish ambivalence, neither good nor bad will bring consolation in the end. Truth...Falsehood, in the end, you still get punished. It's a much darker, and shorter, way of expressing the cliche "Damned if you do, damned if you don't." It's the "Charlie Brown-ness" of life for me. Try, get burned. Don't try, and you're a failure anyway. I'm not saying i'm giving up, i'm too stubborn for that- I just feel trapped.
Nearly everyone I know is with someone, and it's a very strange thing for me. Me, the guy who liked girls before he knew anything about the whole process. Me, the hopeless romantic, doing things...going FAR out of his way to be noticed, appreciated, only to be turned away in the end. What's it going to take? You know, I hate that song "Sk8ter Boi" with a passion (partially my own fault), but Avril had something there- so i'm going to show them all. I WILL climb to the top. Ragged, broken, bleeding...organs hanging out, i'm going to climb to the top, stubbornly carrying my burden on my own...and when I get to the top, they will know-- they'll all know, and i'll laugh until I die. Ally, or feel my wrath. Chances are that if you're on my friend list, this isn't about you...you have allied. You ARE my friends, and that's why i'm telling you this in the first place.
I still don't feel like going to bed, so i'm going to keep writing...
I'm making myself angry now. It's like..."Why me? What did I do to deserve this?" I look upward asking, "I never cursed you or dissmissed you as much as others I know did; I never told people you didn't exist while they were vulnerable, no matter how angry I was--so WHAT THE ********?" I know you're supposed to actively practice "faith", maybe that's wht i'm missing. Maybe I outa use my influence to build a multimillion dollar cathedral and claim that God want us to do this or that, like I know what the ******** he wants in the first place. "What do You want out of me? I wish you'd tell me or just leave me the ******** alone. Your servants, people I grew up with, how have you served them? You bless some andcurse others, and the ones you bless still are no indication of Your power. Last time I checked, people are supposed to follow all the rules in Your game, not just pick which ones suit them best. If that's how you allow your children to play, is it any wonder I don't participate? We're instructed to take the good and the bad from you, as each are gifts in diffferent ways. Well, what about the rape and murder and hate? Whatever happend to 'God is good'? How is any of that good? How can you be 'good' and allow so much evil? I'm having a hard time buiyng it...as usuall."
Bleh. I'm done now.
 Twilamare Neter · Sat Jun 28, 2008 @ 03:23am · 3 Comments |
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