ok... well... iv been thinking.... my life could really use a change... i have never been a true christian... iv never been able to convince myself of any of that.... when i was little i just accepted what people told me and that was that... except that i would have loads of questions when i started to think about it... and then i would get kinda depressed and fearful cuz nothing made sense... but um... well i remember when me and v tried to do wicca type stuff.... that was so fun... and iv been thinking... that might just be what i need... the mere idea of being a wiccan kinda gives me a sense of hope.... and it brings me back to my childhood when i used to mix up random things and try to get something to happen.... like a magic potion or something... not like chemistry.... o and to add more to the happy.... this morning when i woke up everything felt so surreal... or maybe it felt real and everything else just doesnt exist to me?_? i dont know... i love the weird feeling and it only seems to come with certain lighting from outside... it has to be really weird like when its the very end of summer... theirs just something about it.... it always makes me feel kinda peaceful and almost happy...
or maybe its got nothing to do with any of this and its just that iv been so depressed and stressed lately that my mind is temporarily in one of those weird states that decides to keep me from getting to a point where i decide lifes not worth living and kill myself.... i dunno... i could never kill myself, i know that cuz im a lil too fearful of pain... and the fact that i dont know what i believe or whether theres something after this life.... that just makes me too afraid to do it.... so anyways... wow weird how all of this depressing talk comes from me when im actually kinda happy....
ok... subject changing time!!.... well whitneys coming over.... i hate having friends over... especially when my "mom" is the one that decided they should come over without telling me until its way too late to do anything about it.... she and my "mom" are going to work on a bug project for zoology .... that is a small part of why i didnt take that class... the one type of creature on this planet (besides humans) that truly bothers me is bugs.... i just know ill get dragged into it tho...
and i have sooo much anime to catch up on before tomorrow... and ill never have a chance to cuz 1)i have a whitney over... and 2) i need to watch a lot of anime on demand... i cant do that till everyone is asleep... but before i can watch it, itll all be cleared out... cuz its wednesday... and every thursday... (wednesday at 12am) they update... so yeah....
wow i had a lot more time than i thought...
whoa a school bus just drove up my street...
ok well anyways.... the point of this is that i seriously think i want to be a wiccan... i know ill never be fully sure... i have a lot of difficulty making decisions... always... i usually end up regretting them regardless of whether it does harm or not... i mean if i were to look on a quiz and it asked how i felt right now... and it gave the options of "like in a dream where everything makes sense but nothing really does" or just "happy and surreal" ... i would chose the first and then keep changing between the two"
well gotta go... whit-whits here... baises
Unni Ineo · Wed Aug 24, 2005 @ 08:22pm · 1 Comments |