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What is high school? A place where adults force feed students information, half of which, we don't really need to know (who is seriously going to ask you in a normal job to create a parabola or a freaking matrix for them!), just to spit up only parts of it in the following years of our lives. Well...that's what we like to say it is.


High school, believe it or not to the parents out there, is a scary place now. Not only where you are forced to memorize a bunch of milarky, (yes, I dared to use the word) but we are ridiculed by other students. All the popular kids are the losers somewhere right? We struggle to make someone of ourselves. We can't just be a fountain of information! We need to be someone! Something! Have a life that we control. We are finding ourselves. We are people and we are developing who we are, polishing another part in our life so we can move onto the next. It's terrifying having to try and find people who are like you, and those who can't find people like them...Give up and conform, become anorexic, listen to music we don't like, date people we're told we'd look good with, and have sex before they're even fully dropped or have a regular period! And there are those even, who put up with the ridicule, just to be. But it hurts us, and it stays with us for a long time.


This time in life, in my life, this hell they've dubbed high school, is going to be over soon. And I'm even more scared of the thought of it being over. I'd go through it again to be with my friends, have the fights we fought, that one ******** up and ******** over relationship that I got caught up in, was to afraid to do anything about when I knew I needed to end it, and will make sure never happens again. All the times I disappointed my mom, over and over and over again, cause I know I let her down, and I failed her more than once, came short of her standards. I've cried, made people cry, and listend when others cried. I've made friends, lost some, actually lost more friends than I've made.


But it's going to end! I love the structure of it, cause I can't make my own structure. Even with how much I hate it, I don't want it to end. I'm so scared of what else I'm going to fail at, who I'm going to hurt and lose...Especially who I might lose...I don't ever want to lose the two people I love the most, the two that have helped me through a lot when I thought I couldn't turn to my family. When everything was going the opposite way I had planned.


Every child says at least once, that they can't wait till they grow up. Every adult wishes they could have another childhood. I can wish neither. I can never remember wanting to grow older, excited about it being closer to an end...and another beginning. I love where I am in life, don't want it to end, yet desperately do at the same time. I don't want to be a young child again though! And I don't want to stay where I am...And I don't want to grow up. The fact that it's over, is...overwhelming.


I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. I want to be a writer, and an English teacher that people will be talking about because I'll be that good, and that people will be talking about for years to come. I want to cook! I want to train dogs, police dogs, personal protection, show dogs! I want to be someone, and I don't know who I want to be. I want to be someone that moves others, motivates them to do something with their lives, start a ripple effect, that cant be stopped! That turns from ripples, to waves, and from waves to such a deadly force, that no one can stop it! Big dreams for a nobody, but maybe I can stir at least one person. One student that I get, one customer at the bakery I start, or one person who purchases the friendly, and lethal protection I've trained for them.


There's not a lot I want to do, but there's a lot I want to be. In the years to come I don't want to sky dive, I don't want to win a Nobel Prize, I don't want to invent something, I don't want to be a millionaire. But I do want to make a family for myself. A place to call home, where when I walk in the door, there's little voices screeching "Mommy! Mommy! Come see what I did today!" as they run to the door. I know I'm just only about to turn seventeen, but I know that's part of what I want in my life. I want to make something of myself, and make my brothers and sisters and my mom and dad proud of me.


And it's all going to start, and end, at the end of May, 2009, when I walk down that isle and shake Mr. Gibbons hand, and get my diploma. I wont be grown yet, but I'll have something to keep me growing. And it'll be a start.