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I dont understand anything anymore.

I was once happy. Felt loved. Smiled to everything. But that changed as I got older.

People shunned me. Began treating me different. I saw it all but there was nothing I could do about it. Soon I changed. I became alone. I spoke very little and didn't make any real friends. At least none I could say.

My attitude changed dramatically. I held out my hand for someone to grab and pull me out of my misery but none did... at least not good people. The people who did grasp did it to torment me and destroy my mind. Those people caused me to feel hate and anger. This only deepened my wounds.

Now I am fighting it. Forcing it out of me. But it is strong. It crepts back up and clouds my mind, manipulating me to become something I am not. Everyday I am faced with this new monster, this Thing born of hate who's purpose is to tear me apart and prove I am weak. That is why I fight it.

I am sick of being weak. I am sick of this Thing ruining my life. Of the s**t it gives me, telling me it is the only way to be free.

I hate myself for my own reasons. I would love to see myself in pain, squriming like a fish on a hook pleading for my life. But it is not right. I am only human. All humans feel pain, suffering, agony. That is what unites us. But I cant communicate with people for this Thing keeps me.

And whats funny about that is... that Thing is my heart.