My heart is breaking slowly everyday. Even though he says he loves me it still breaks. It's not that I dont trust him or that I dont believe him because I do trust him and believe him...it's just...him not being with me rips my heart apart. It's like I have a big whole in my chest. Sometimes it hurts more then other times but that pain is always there plauging me like a shadow. And I know it's not his fault that he's so far away, but it still hurts. The only time the pain goes away is when I can hear his voice. Then I am saved; I'll be ok if I hear his voice.
The pain stops plauging me like a shadow, but the wound doesn't go away. Even if we're just talking on the phone and not saying anything the pain is gone. He saves me from this hell called life and makes me want to keep going. But then the second we got off the phone and I cant hear his voice or I cant feel his presence the pain comes back. It plauges me once again. I lay awake at night curled up in a ball hugging my chest because it hurts so badly sometimes.
Other times I just go into a state of numbness and I cant feel anything. When I'm numb I'm safe. Until I hear his voice again. Then I become unnumb. And once we stop talking and I'm no longer numb the pain hits hard. It shatters my heart. Is this normal? All that's on my mind is him nothing else at all. All that I see when I close my eyes is his face and when they're open I hate what I see because it's not his face. All I hear is his voice in my head and I cant hear anything else but that.
It feels good when that happens, but at the same time I'm losing conection with the real world. Though I go there quite often anyways, even though I know it's not heathly, or a good thing to do. I dont care anymore. As long as I can have him with me one way or another it stops the pain until I can really be with him. That's what matters right now, making this pain go away...if only for awhile...
 miroku fan 101 · Sun Aug 24, 2008 @ 12:47am · 0 Comments |
