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~*Chapter nine

I woke up, my mind troubled, my body trembling. My hand gripped Rodney’s shirt tightly, my eyes dry. There were no more tears for me to shed. Tomorrow was the day, Rodney’s funeral that is, the dumbest day of my lie. The saddest day of my life. Why was I going? Even if I see Rodney, he would be dead, still as stone, just sleeping in his coffin.
“Annie, Cloud is here.” My father said behind the door.
“Tell her to come in.” I grumbled. I heard the door creep open and Cloud stepped in.
“Oh Annie, it’s so dark in here. Let some light get in.” Cloud walked to my curtains and opened them; the late sun seeped through the open cracks. I squinted me eyes.
“mm, what time is it?”
“Twelve-thirty, you slept like a cat.” She turned around and threw a plastic bag at me.
“What the hell is this?” I asked picking up the bag.
“Your funeral dress. I guessed that you wouldn’t have any.” I picked out what appeared to be a black dress. Wide neck and curvy.
“Uh. . . thanks?” I said. Cloud sighed and sat next to me on my bed.
“I’m sorry Annie. You don’t have to go if it’s too hard for you.”
“No, it’s OK, really. I just want to see his face one more time.” Cloud frowned.
“His face won’t be the same Annie.” She sighed and got up. “Well goodbye Annie. Don’t think too much about it.” Then that was it. She was gone. I sighed and got up; I gripped the black dress in my hands. I frowned. Why wear something so lovely to such a horrible day? Out of curiosity I tried on the dress. It fit me perfectly; fit every exact curve I had. Rodney liked that about me, how my body was the perfect size to wrap his arms around. The perfect soft lips to kiss. My lips trembled; I was just making myself depressed again.
“Rodney.” I whispered. Tomorrow would be the last day I would be pretty. Beautiful, I can just see him say that word at the tip of his tongue. Will he look down at me? Will he smile, frown, cry, laugh?
‘You look beautiful babe.’
His voice echoed in my head. His sweet calm voice melted my brain like butter. “Thank you.” I said to myself, hoping the small Rodney in my head could hear me.

~*~

Today was the saddest day of my life. Rodney’s funeral and I agreed to go to it, and I wanted to go really bad, but the feeling would be so sad. Families I’ve never met would be there. Would I be the blame for his death? Was I the cause that kept Rodney from being successful? Just thinking about this, I already feel the stranger’s fingers pointing directly at my back. Jabbing deeper and deeper, just like the girls at school.
‘I blame her for everything.’
‘pity.’
I looked at myself in the mirror again. I was perfect, the voice, that sweet voice, told me I was beautiful. I would be stared at only for my beauty. I was
perfect.
“Annie! Come on girl, we’re going to be late!” my dad yelled at me from downstairs. I fast walked downstairs, stumbling with my clumsy legs.
“I might break my leg if I fall with these heels!” I hissed at my dad. The small Rodney in my head chuckled.
“I think you look gorgeous. So, let’s get a move on then.” His voice tried to go through a happy flow. But I could hear the cracks, the tiny whimper.
“I’m going to walk to Clouds house dad. I have some stuff to take care of.” I shook my hand and my dad’s eyes darted straight at it. Rodney’s T-shirt, I held it like a baby.
“Oh, I see, well OK, see you there?” he asked.
“Don’t worry, they should give me a ride.” He nodded and opened the door for me. As I stepped outside the sun instantly burned my skin. My eyes tried to adjust to the bright light, I breathed in fresh air, and my lungs sighed satisfied. “It’s hot.” I said.
“I know, bad day to wear black but if you stay in the shade you should manage it.” My dad shut the door behind him. He patted my back and headed to his car. Alright, now I just have to walk slowly in these heels.
‘Good-luck babe.’
The little Rodney laughed the whole walk to the house.

~*~

I stood in front of the fireplace. Waiting for Cloud to get ready while Brian and I stood there in silence. No small talk, no nothing. We exactly knew everything that would come out of our mouths would be an insult, or just a rude comment. “What are you doing to do with my son’s shirt?” Brian asked. His face was impassive. He walked swiftly to my side. I notice how he used the phrase, my son.
‘That son-of-a-b***h. Never liked him anyways.’
Little Rodney hissed in my head. I snickered a bit.
“Getting rid of it.” I said. “I have to let him go, his voice is everywhere.” Brian didn’t say anything. He remained still, he then coughed softly. “I’ll miss ya.” I said. Then I threw the shirt in the fire, letting it burn slowly. The fire consumed it, then it crimpled and turned a shade of brown to suddenly black. The smell of cigarettes was now stronger than ever.
‘I’ll miss you to, babe.’
Just like that, I felt a door shut in my brain. I locked all memories of Rodney away from me. From my life, completely.