~written yesterday~
These past few days were unbearable, but today made up for that. I got to hear his voice today. It made the hole in my chest go away, at least the pain. I broke down and cried at lunch though. I couldn't hold it in anymore, it was just too much. Two days without his voice was unbearable...I've been going into my "trances" even more lately. It even happened it class today! I need to stop this...but sometimes I need to go there or I feel like I'll die. It's my safe haven...This isn't healthy and I know that, but I cant stop, not now...
It's either that or hurting myself and others around me. *sigh* overall this just isn't right anymore...I need to stop this, whatever it is. I need to find a way to stop the pain in my heart. Being numb doesn't work anymore either. Even when I am in a numb state I'm still in pain...What will make this stop? I need him, but at the same time he's killing me slowly...What should I do? I cant leave, I would die if I did, but I cant stay this way for much longer because I'm dieing slowly...I don't know what to do anymore.
Everything's so hopeless these days. All I want to do is cry, but I cant do that. I have to stay strong if no for myself, but the people that care about me (if anyone does anymore) I have to keep my promise to not give up. I'm not breaking that promise now after all I did to not break it, but I think I may need some help. I'm not sure who to turn to though. Who will listen and help? Should I tell him what's happening? Or should I keep it a secret from everyone?(except you people on here of course) Someone please help me...help this pain go away...please I cant take it much longer. Any advice would be greatly appreciated...
~written today~
I talked to Michael yesterday, but we probably wont be able to talk again until Wednesday. God, I'm going to die. I could barely handle two days...and now I have to figure out how to survive five days. This is going to be impossible. I don't know what to do when he's not around. I just feel lost and empty, like there's nothing left in me beside misery...I have no interest in anything, but him and if I'm not with him, he's all I think about. Sometimes I image that he's right next to me holding my hand. Other times I image he's behind me hugging me tight while whispering things in my ear.
These imaginary things bring my comfort, yet at the same time it brings pain. It opens up the wound, so I cant do it too often or too long. I almost fell to the floor at school crying and holding my chest to make the pain go away because I was imagining him. But I had to keep it in. It hurt so badly, that all I could concentrate on was keeping it in. My friends are beginning to worry since I zone out a lot and go into my trances even more. It's not fair for them to have to deal with me everyday. I'm becoming less and less sociable and more antisocial.
Soon I'm afraid I'll lose everything and everyone I love and care for because of this. I'm so afraid and scared, but I cant do anything. I'm in way to deep...I cant find my way back to what I used to be. I've been building walls to keep the pain hidden, but they're beginning to crack. I still cant knock them down yet though. I have to wait for them to completely crumble and I need someone to do that since I'm not strong enough. People try to knock them down, but most of them give up on the first try. There's walls around my heart too...I'm so ashamed of myself for building these walls...what's wrong with me...?
 miroku fan 101 · Sat Aug 30, 2008 @ 09:07pm · 0 Comments |
