THANKGOODNESS no one reads this. AND IF YOU ARE, GO AWAY. I'LL HATE YOU FOREVER IF YOU READ THE REST OF THIS. No, jk. But I'll be sad. D":
I knew what stuff I was going to complain about a few seconds ago...
But I forgot.
Teehee.
You can tell I'm so focused.
So focused I can kill an... apple with a super-focused lazar beam.
Yo.
I guess this will kinda help me figure out a couple of things that're going on.
It's too confusing and over-whelming to THINK about, so I thought, what the hell, typing might help.
There's been a couple things I've been pissed off about lately.
Most of them I've caused myself, and I know I have no right to blame anyone else.
And I know no one else even deserves to be blamed for these particular things.
But even as I type that, the stubborn, extremely prideful hard-a** part of my is screaming, No, it was COMPLETELY HER FAULT. I DID NOTHING WRONG, AND I SHOULDN'T SAY SORRY.
Pride and stubbornness is the main problem I'm having.
I hate saying sorry, you know.
I was thinking about apologizing to Xela on the bus today.
But it didn't really work.
I'm so horrible at communicating.
Heehee.
One of the things I WANT to tell all the people I hang out with...
... but when I TRY, I get nervous and close up...
... is that I'm so thankful for you guys; the ones who put up with my s**t everyday.
The people who stay by me, even though I'm an overly-complicated piece of bitchy work that should appreciate the ones who love her more.
I'd like to think I'm working on it.
I'd like to think it'll be easy to say sorry and admit that I'm wrong.
And I think it will.
Once I get past the really annoying and not-needed pride problem.
So on Monday, I made an agenda.
I'm hoping to complete it before X-mas.
Thankfully, Oras said she'd help me.
Which reminds me.
Oras, you're obviously the one I'm most grateful for.
And when I start thinking of that, I think of how Xela has been the total opposite, and that leads me to think she doesn't care [which she doesn't; heard it from her own mouth], and how I shouldn't apologize at all.
Since she'll just leave me and lie all over again.
So, actually, I don't think I WILL apologize to her.
I don't think she deserves it.
Or wants it.
See?
Stubbornness.
Pride.
Spite.
All to cover hurt.
Ohmigawd, that's so emo.
But whatever.
I just want to lay down.
Just stay and close my eyes.
And just think.
Think and think and think.
Let my mind wander and ponder and puzzle and try to wrap itself around the problems that probably have simple solutions to them.
I'd do that tomorrow, if I could.
But I know my mom wouldn't let me.
Mostly because we got into this little fight.
I won't say the next sentence, because that'll sound WAY too emo, even though it's completely true.
So anyway.
I'm pretty much emotionally exhausted.
Mentally sleepy.
I've been thinking way too much.
I want things to be simple.
But when I do, and I try to make it that way, someone gets mad.
Because for some reason, I'm not allowed to be happy.
It makes others angry.
Or when I try to care for someone else's' feelings, I'm dubbed 'weird'.
When did the world become so ******** up?
When did it become weird to think of others before yourself?
So, I've decided not to care.
And be content with the ones who, as I've said, put up with my crap.
Anna, Kyle, Andre [you most of all], Danyelle [sorry if I sped?].
I can't really include Rebecca or Bridgette.
Due to the fact that they both give up on me.
Tell me they're there for me.
Then when I'm TRYING to ask for help...
... I find a couple of turned backs.
Though, if they ever came across this, they'd disagree.
No point in even trying, then, you know?
[I think this might be another one of those cases where I blame others. But I'm not sure. Only o5% of me thinks I'm unjust in suggesting this.
And, to tell you the truth, I don't think I'll ever say sorry. Saying sorry at this point would be like going up to a heartless and saying, "Thanks for eating my heart when my back was turned." You know?
There's no point for a number of reasons;
o1; they're emotionless bastards, those heartless, and won't care
o2; they'll just try to kill you again
o3; they'll most likely get together with each other to give you another nice surprise attack
See how that doesn't work?]
Yeah.
Mentally exhausted, I am.
I'm just so tiered.
I really don't want to be.
But I feel like I should be crying.
Or laughing.
Or be kicking something.
Or be pouring my heart out to SOMEONE.
But I know no one will listen.
So why should I try?
People've been telling me I don't hug anymore.
I was under the impression hugs are a symbol of affection.
I won't waste affection on those who I don't think deserve it.
THOSE people can go screw themselves in a dark, damp corner.
And get AIDS.
Or some other type of STDS.
Ok, so that was a little mean.
Bleh.
I dunno what I'm saying anymore.
I'mma leave before this gets anymore emo than it already is.
I don't think that's possible, though.
UMMO. OH YEAH. DON'T READ THIS. OR I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN. YO.
I knew what stuff I was going to complain about a few seconds ago...
But I forgot.
Teehee.
You can tell I'm so focused.
So focused I can kill an... apple with a super-focused lazar beam.
Yo.
I guess this will kinda help me figure out a couple of things that're going on.
It's too confusing and over-whelming to THINK about, so I thought, what the hell, typing might help.
There's been a couple things I've been pissed off about lately.
Most of them I've caused myself, and I know I have no right to blame anyone else.
And I know no one else even deserves to be blamed for these particular things.
But even as I type that, the stubborn, extremely prideful hard-a** part of my is screaming, No, it was COMPLETELY HER FAULT. I DID NOTHING WRONG, AND I SHOULDN'T SAY SORRY.
Pride and stubbornness is the main problem I'm having.
I hate saying sorry, you know.
I was thinking about apologizing to Xela on the bus today.
But it didn't really work.
I'm so horrible at communicating.
Heehee.
One of the things I WANT to tell all the people I hang out with...
... but when I TRY, I get nervous and close up...
... is that I'm so thankful for you guys; the ones who put up with my s**t everyday.
The people who stay by me, even though I'm an overly-complicated piece of bitchy work that should appreciate the ones who love her more.
I'd like to think I'm working on it.
I'd like to think it'll be easy to say sorry and admit that I'm wrong.
And I think it will.
Once I get past the really annoying and not-needed pride problem.
So on Monday, I made an agenda.
I'm hoping to complete it before X-mas.
Thankfully, Oras said she'd help me.
Which reminds me.
Oras, you're obviously the one I'm most grateful for.
And when I start thinking of that, I think of how Xela has been the total opposite, and that leads me to think she doesn't care [which she doesn't; heard it from her own mouth], and how I shouldn't apologize at all.
Since she'll just leave me and lie all over again.
So, actually, I don't think I WILL apologize to her.
I don't think she deserves it.
Or wants it.
See?
Stubbornness.
Pride.
Spite.
All to cover hurt.
Ohmigawd, that's so emo.
But whatever.
I just want to lay down.
Just stay and close my eyes.
And just think.
Think and think and think.
Let my mind wander and ponder and puzzle and try to wrap itself around the problems that probably have simple solutions to them.
I'd do that tomorrow, if I could.
But I know my mom wouldn't let me.
Mostly because we got into this little fight.
I won't say the next sentence, because that'll sound WAY too emo, even though it's completely true.
So anyway.
I'm pretty much emotionally exhausted.
Mentally sleepy.
I've been thinking way too much.
I want things to be simple.
But when I do, and I try to make it that way, someone gets mad.
Because for some reason, I'm not allowed to be happy.
It makes others angry.
Or when I try to care for someone else's' feelings, I'm dubbed 'weird'.
When did the world become so ******** up?
When did it become weird to think of others before yourself?
So, I've decided not to care.
And be content with the ones who, as I've said, put up with my crap.
Anna, Kyle, Andre [you most of all], Danyelle [sorry if I sped?].
I can't really include Rebecca or Bridgette.
Due to the fact that they both give up on me.
Tell me they're there for me.
Then when I'm TRYING to ask for help...
... I find a couple of turned backs.
Though, if they ever came across this, they'd disagree.
No point in even trying, then, you know?
[I think this might be another one of those cases where I blame others. But I'm not sure. Only o5% of me thinks I'm unjust in suggesting this.
And, to tell you the truth, I don't think I'll ever say sorry. Saying sorry at this point would be like going up to a heartless and saying, "Thanks for eating my heart when my back was turned." You know?
There's no point for a number of reasons;
o1; they're emotionless bastards, those heartless, and won't care
o2; they'll just try to kill you again
o3; they'll most likely get together with each other to give you another nice surprise attack
See how that doesn't work?]
Yeah.
Mentally exhausted, I am.
I'm just so tiered.
I really don't want to be.
But I feel like I should be crying.
Or laughing.
Or be kicking something.
Or be pouring my heart out to SOMEONE.
But I know no one will listen.
So why should I try?
People've been telling me I don't hug anymore.
I was under the impression hugs are a symbol of affection.
I won't waste affection on those who I don't think deserve it.
THOSE people can go screw themselves in a dark, damp corner.
And get AIDS.
Or some other type of STDS.
Ok, so that was a little mean.
Bleh.
I dunno what I'm saying anymore.
I'mma leave before this gets anymore emo than it already is.
I don't think that's possible, though.
UMMO. OH YEAH. DON'T READ THIS. OR I'LL HUNT YOU DOWN. YO.
