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Over a year ago I wrote this in a journal entry.
Quote: I just hope that after all this is said and done. I haven't lost who I am now, I truly hope this doesn't warp my perception on life and turn me bitter.
At that moment I made a decision with myself that I wasn't going to lose who I was. I wasn't going to be like everyone else, bitter and spiteful towards others. I have always prided myself on my own will power and desire to do the right thing. But have I followed through with it?
I've been really negative for a while now. Someone tells me something, I see the cold truth behind it and point it out. Someone tries to give me helpful advice? I snort and get annoyed at the cookie cutter advice people give each other. "Stay on that horse!", "Fish in the sea!", "If you fall, get back up!"
It's truly horrible that all those statements immediately scream this to me. "Keep going even if things suck! I tell you this in a generic fashion because I don't care, nor want to take the time to grasp what you're going through. Generic statements are easy and make me feel good! Oh and if one persons sucky, theres 6 billion others out there. That has to somehow make things better. But yeah if you trip, just get back up. Who cares how many times all those 6 billion people push you back down!"
GAWH!
Seriously people, no more bullshit generic advice. When someone comes to you with any sort of issue. Freaking listen, analyze it and give thoughtful advice. Something that says hey, I'm listening and not just reaching into my auto response bag.
But yeah I'm still really trying hard to remain positive. It's just in the last year alone I've had the sky fall on me. Time and time again. Here let's have a run down.
Grandma had a pace maker put in.
My father has an aneurysm in his heart. Eventually he'll have to have open heart surgery to correct it. Which will be hard to recover from.
I was dumped.
My mother woke up seeing double and not feeling one side of her body. Doctors took a scan of her brain and thought they saw a tumor.
I desperately tried to fix my relationship.
I wanted to move back to Illinois, but I didn't have much money. I had a lot of stuff to move, my car isn't reliable and I just signed a 6 month lease.
My life turned from social, to only working and spending all my free time alone.
Turns out my mothers tumor wasn't a tumor but a stroke.
My dad got his heart checks pushed from 6 months to 3. Not a good sign.
I got a crush on a girl from work. A month later it turns out she has a boyfriend. I try to break the crush but seeing her everyday, and then her flirting back, not to mention the things her friends tell me really leads me on. Getting my hopes up, and letting me open up myself for another fall.
Turns out one of my mothers kidneys isn't functional. She's going to have to have it removed. But it's going to be delayed due to her heart condition which was similar to my grandmothers. She has to get checked by her heart doctor, and her neurologist before they can clear the surgery.
My uncle collapses at work due to his heart condition.
My aunt nearly dies in her sleep due to her sleeping disorder.
I wrote a letter to the girl at work about my feelings. I was let down. Though she doesn't stop flirting with me or acting any different.
Drama goes on at work. Raises are handed out that I deserved and didn't receive. I raise hell, threaten to quit. This streches on for over a month. Everyone knows I deserved the raise. But it takes forever to get things moving.
Mother still isn't cleared for her kidney surgery. She goes back and forth to the doctors, spending money my parents don't have in gas.
My sister had graduated high school and moved in with her boyfriend. My parents were concerned on if she wanted to be there as her boyfriend apparently didn't let her call home.
My cousin Adam is diagnosed with Wilsons Disease. Giving him 10 to 15 years to live.
I try to stop talking to the girl at work. Hoping it will break the crush. I end up finding myself not texting her all day. Then when I see her in person revert back to flirting and trying to do things with her outside of work. A vicious cycle that I'm all to aware of and somehow unable to stop.
My sister calls me telling me she's pregnant and kicked out of her boyfriends house.
Moms operation is cleared, she has it at the same time as my sisters drama.
My sister moves back in with her boyfriend. But gets pulled over without insurance. My parents will need to pay with money they don't have.
My cousin Adam is charged with 3 felony counts for dating a minor. He faces 10 years in jail, around what he's expected to live.
My cousin Mindy goes into labor, she has complications which causes her baby to be put on life support.
Oh and I'm sure theres a lot of things I've let out. But more or less thats the bullet points up until now. After all that it is really really REALLY hard to remain cheerful and not get stressed out. I'm living alone, I'm really lonely, I'm constantly worried about my friends and family. I feel trapped.
Despite that I am really really trying. I still go to work. I still help everyone out. I still work really hard. I try to do everything right. Even if it feels like some don't appreciate me. Or even see me for the good guy I am.
I refuse to completely give in. I could just ignore all my issues, push them to the side. Throw a blanket over them. Then I wouldn't drag others down with my emotional baggage. Something I hate to do, but seem to be doing. If I just bottled up again I know I'd blow up. As it is I'm really keeping a lot in and it's causing me to behave like someone I'm not.
Eventually somethings good is going to happen that will make all my struggles worth it. I'm just holding onto that hope until then.
I am going to stay positive. Even if it doesn't always seem like it. I will NEVER completely lose the person I was.
~DJ Bothwell
 XDvandalDJ · Thu Sep 18, 2008 @ 11:29pm · 0 Comments |
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