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Rightio! It's been a while typing in my journal lol.. 2 days ago was my birthday, it was alright but was centred around my brother just like everything else in my family. That hurt a bit. But anyways on my birthday mum showed me some clips of my brothers outer school performances.. It was very cute, but it made me think about the fact that she never EVER comes to my performances.. EVER!! I did a play and worked on it for a whole semester, we were doing plays for two weeks twice a day and she never showed once. Before that there was my dance recital, she didnt show and came at the end of the show (Which surprised me). Now I've been workingmy a** off at a singing performance all week and she didnt show, normally I would have accepted it but its the third time in a row shes known about a performance of mine and missed it purposely to hang with my brother.

This is the beginning of it.
She was angry at me for no reason and kept on yelling, I spent the night hyperventilating downstairs while she slept. Today I've been trying to stop myself cryin all day and control my breathing (My throat tightens to the point where I cannot breathe,) but when it was time for the performance I cracked, I started crying and couldnt stop, I almost called off my show but stopped only to see my friends mother (Who lives in another town I might add) In the doorway, thats probably the fact that hurt worst, but it made me think, "Well if she wont look after me I have to look after myself.." Then when I wiped my eyes and went up to the stage and sang. They went wild, the audience I mean, they loved it!!! I was happy but still controlling my breathing, (Infact I still am on the verge of tears and controlling my breathe,) I went up for my award only to find they had ran out of paper, so I didnt get anything, after that I felt my eyes go watery so I walked to the bus stop only to wait an hour for the bus.
I have to say this was one of my worst days of my life because it was the moment I realised that I cannot rely on my mother at all, but the worser thing about this is the one fact I really dont want to think about... I have to grow up..