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[NOTE: this may seem like it's everywhere since the topics vary..well, I did write this last night and I wasn't in the greatest mood either, so don't mind my unorganized thoughts~]

To be truthful, I hope the tears don't come. I don't want to realize that she's actually gone. I rather this situation never really hit me fully. This has been the 3rd time someone around me has died. As much as I hate using the word "died", it's no long avoidable. A few hours ago, I didn't feel like myself. I felt numb all over, and it felt like I was missing a part of myself. It felt like I got slapped across the face, but not hard enough for me to feel the pain. I kept thinking to myself, "it can't be the same Franny I know, it just can't." But it turned out to be the same Franny. I miss you, Frances Mallari. You were my sister, my mini me, that would never change. Why did you go do drugs while I turned my back to you for just a slight moment? There couldn't possibly be no way out of whatever problem you were facing. Is that close to suicide? Overdosing on drugs without knowing? Suicide is a sin. Sinning. I wonder when I started fearing that word. But, I've done enough wrong in my life to fear it. As much as I would like to believe that sins can be forgiven, I just can't.

This feeling of breaking from the inside out is back. That was the feeling I was trying to get rid of last time I felt down. Every time I try facing my problems, I just get so weary. I'm sick and tired of facing these problems. This is one of the reasons why I joined gaia. To get away from the real me. The weaker me stays hidden behind Tifa. The reason why I seem so "motherly" in people's eyes, is because I don't act like a normal teenager most of the time. I get told that I'm too tense, and serious. Sometimes, I forget how to laugh or smile. For some reason, everyone is comforted when they're around me. They say I'm good at listening and helping them sort out their problems. If I'm so great at it, why can't I solve my own problems?

I've been wanting to get out all this crap, that's been clogging up my brain for a long, long while. My friends always tell me that they're there for me whenever I need them. But you know what? They can't feel what you're feeling, even though they say they'll be there to go through the pained times with you, it's really just yourself who's going through it. You're the only one who's hurting within, the only one who knows how YOU feel. Really, you're going through it all alone. It scares me so much sometimes, knowing I won't have anyone to grasp onto from falling. I'm scared of life. I'm so scared about what life might throw at me next, what I'll find out. Sure, one day these fears may just end up as childhood memories, but I still fear. I'm just that much of an unstable person.

At night, when I try to sleep, I can't. My brain doesn't shut up for at least an hour. It lets me wander and think-think back to thoughts I've locked up at the back of my brain. I think back to the memories I rather not relive.
What is wrong with me? I feel that over the years, I've started losing myself. I starting to feel like I don't know who I am anymore, or what I've become. I'm a stranger to myself. There have been more depressing moments in my life so far, and not enough happy ones it seems.

It seems there's so much more I have to say, but the words aren't coming out. It's screaming inside me, but I can't figure out how to word it properly.