I just found out that I am the most awful person in the world. Today during Religion I was thinking about my life and how much have I achieved in it and I just realised that I haven’t achieved anything useful.
Yes, I am a gamer, I like reading and I have a boyfriend who is the loveliest person in the whole world. He is the only one that is keeping me sane lately, if it wasn’t for him I would be slitting my wrists or maybe even suicide myself. He means so much for me and I feel bad asking him for something because I know that I don’t deserve him, knowing myself.
I have sinned. I am jealous of one of the people in my school her name is -----. The reason I envy her is that her life is so much better that mine, she is smarter and she has loads of friends, but this isn’t why I envy her. I keep looking for one of my so called friends ----- attention, but she never seams to want to talk to me. Instead she always talks to -----, the only times ----- talks to me is when I am upset, that’s the only time she comes up to me and asks me “what’s up?” Well I don’t really tell her how I feel, even though knowing my current state I have to tell someone… I just wish I could fit in to a small group of friends, where I can just stay quiet and only answer when I am spoken to, but not completely being ignored.
I think it has gone even worse… I am such an attention seeker but I don’t do anything to deserve it that’s why I should just stay quiet. I wish someone would just hit me in the gut anytime I’m stepping out of line....
Crying myself to sleep every night isn’t helping my school effort either. I start to forget to bring things to school or do my homework which as everyone refers to is really out of character for me.
I feel invisible; even though that is all I ever wanted it just is painful… I tried this morning coming up to my physics class and said hello no one answered me, they just seam to turn away from me and pretend they didn’t hear anything. Knowing that I must really be horrible… but, the only thing left for me is to stay quiet and hope for a better life when I am in -----. That’s what I did when I was in -----. Each day passing I just stayed optimistic somewhere deep, deep inside me I knew that even though I didn’t had any friends that maybe some time far from now I will have a few friends that I will hang out with and talk to everyday… but I don’t know, maybe I’m asking for too much, maybe gods gift to me was talent and not friendship. I think I would rather give up talent for a few friends…
I think im good at being quiet now. I have lots of practice as well as patience. Maybe someday something good will happen to me… all I’m left with is to hope
 Sheogora · Mon Nov 10, 2008 @ 08:39pm · 0 Comments |
