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Journal entries--- the art of talking volumes while saying nothing.

I got the sudden urge to write again tonight, had alot of things on my mind lately, thoughts that I feel like need to be put into paper. I got this urge to right and then the first time I sat down to ended up putting it off, simply told myself why bother? Why bother writing some crappy little journal, what good is it going to do? Throughout the day I actually thought about that, on a massive sight, filled with thousands of people we don't know, don't care about, don't have any interest in talking to, why do we write journal entries? Surely it's not to 'get it out of our system' If the explanation was that easy then we'd get out a notebook. So, after thinking about this, and thinking about various journal entries I've read. I believe we write because we're scared. Because thoughts, feelings, whatever, scare us. We feel one way, want to say something to someone but can't actually get up the nerve to actually say it TO them, so we write it out and stick it up here, knowing exactly who's going to read them.

Well, anyways, I think first I'm going to address a certain energetic party that was thrown >.< side note; don't know if I'll ever drink with you guys again X-D not that it wasn't fun, but I went from my old 'group' persay, in which us drinking involved sitting back with our drinks and talking, we'd sit back and talk about.....ANYTHING, and it'd be interesting conversations, philosophy, religion, politics, science. I know, a real wild party huh? no one thought of it that way though, we'd sit down and crack open a game, be it guitar hero, trauma center, or a board game, and start there. Then we start talking and next thing you know we're done playing games and sitting around in some heated debate or the likes..... needless to say this was a big change compared to dodging spilled drinks and gargeling maple syrupe >,< Anyways I'm just messing with you guys, I had fun, even if I wasn't rolling on the floor with you guys. For some reason drinking doesn't make me all energetic and loopy, it makes me think. On that note I did alot of thinking that night, alot of watching, and well.... learned alot. Drinking brings out the cores of people, it strips away logic and shows how they really feel, cracks the mask as they trip over a bar stool and reveals what's hidden beneath. I can't help but feel slightly better, despite how backwards this sounds, at the fact of learning how.... messed up? my friends are.... I don't even mean that in a flawed way, but how their problems fall I guess. From sitting back and watching I realized that everyone's feeling the same basic emotion, be it in different forms. One of us feels outcasted, out of place, like no one loves us, no one cares, with the group and yet not part of the group. One of us feels useless, alone, at times pitiful. Feels like no matter what they do they can't touch anything. Another out of phased with the world, like they're looking at their friends through a different light, with them but not, much like a layered transperancy, someone who can be peeled away without effecting the bigger picture. The last was hard.... Being there and seeing them and thinking to myself I can't really comprehend it. A better mask perhaps? Someone who can hold it together even when dranking? Or perhaps someone who's truely happy with where they're going.... Either way I don't know about this one, and for the sake of not offending anyone I'm not going to take any guess's. As I said in my first little rant, I know you guys are going to see this, and know exactly what I'm talking about, so guess I'm talking TO you guys.... Wondering why everyone feels so shitty. I mean, we're all feeling it, we're all together, and yet can't fix it? We all see each other's problems, they shine as bright as day. And well, I'm sure you guys are thinking the same about whatever issue shines through my mask.... but if the flaws are so appearent, and those close have seen them..... Why the hell can't we make things right?

Another thing that's been on my mind is the departure of what we all thought was a close friend. I don't know, I guess I'm not as upset as you guys were over this, I saw it coming probably as soon as our senior year ended. During school she talked to us because we were there, and by talk I mean the casual things, and anything that we asked her. She never really gave us anything more.... it sounds alot harsher then what I mean..... I cared for her and all, at one time felt close to her. But I don't think any of us saw HER. The real her that she is when she's not around people I honestly don't think she knows her, I think the fact that she so easily let go of her friends she claimed to be so close to proves that. Either way I wish her the best, I hope she finds what she's looking for in life, if I'm not any part of that oh well I guess, not much I can do about it.

The last thing I want to talk about is my own issues X-D spent most of this time talking about other people and their issues, makes it sound like I'm some ignorrant p***k who idolizes himself. Hell no, I know I have issues, and they're hitting me just as hard as everyone else. I've hit my own little rut.... Feel like nothing I do MATTERS, I wake up on a dayle basis and go through many forms of sitting on my a** doing nothing. I feel alone when I'm surrounded by friends, logically I know I'm not and yet I can't shake the feel, if that makes any sense. I started talking with someone tonight, and she made the comment that she didn't want to be a meaningless digit.... My reply was no matter what you do you are a meaningless digit. That when we are born we are just a number of screaming infants in a hospital. When we go to school we are a number of students that attend a school. Sure we can segregate those digits into grades, iq, whatever. When you join any form of club or sports league you are one digit among other digits that make a single digit. When you get a job you are one digit, working with other meaningless digits to form one bigger digit that is simply one digit of something else. Her reply to this was when I put it that way life sucks. I told her I know, but it's all in interpertation, a digit is a digit, a mark in the sand a crude mark in the sand. But to each person it means something different. You don't want to be a meaningless digit, put meaning there..... that was my advice to her, advice I fully believe in, and yet am having trouble following myself >.<