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I got my second blood test taken today. I will have results in about a month, but until then, I just get to worry about it. Ahh, such good times.
I don't want to make it sound like I'm loosing hope, but right now, when I don't think about it too hard, I think i'd rather have my test say i'm positive than having to worry for years about the outcome.
I read a graphic novel today called Pablo and Me, which is about a two guys from Real World San Fransisco. One who is a straight comicbook artist and the other is a gay HIV speaker. It really shows how sick you can get, from the smallest things, and that's the only part that really scares me. I love my friends so much, and just knowing that they might have to watch me die is scary. Ashee already admitted to me that if I do come out positive, she would probably get a lot more.... 'motherly,' I guess you could say. She would want me to do less than I do now and worry about me walking around town and doing the little everyday things more often. I don't know if I could live with that.
I wrote a little poem that I'm thinking of turning into the school's lit. mag, but it worries me slightly if it will make it and my mother's reaction.
I'm going to give my friends a little sneak peek at it though.

Positive?

A needle pinpricks on my arm,
I see the tube turn red.
With pain and anger in my eyes,
Upon my blood, this virus fed.

How could my blood be the same?
Now with something living inside.
I have only one month left,
Until I know if it has lived or died.

What if they still don't know,
Six more months I'll have to wait.
Why can't it just show its face,
So that I can finally accept my fate.

I cannot blame myself anymore,
I know there was nothing I could do.
But still I cannot let it rest,
Until I know if this is true.

Hiding in my veins for years,
It has been done before.
It may just be another statistic,
But I hope that I am something more.