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So much has been pouring through and through my head at the moment... Ok, let's approach it somewhat systematically so my tongue won't run away with me and totally like mess everything that I wanted to say up. *sighs softly* As always, comments are appreciated.
Firstly... the matter that's been weighing on everyone's mind, since Monday night... I don't want to believe it, I wish it weren't true... he was my bestest bestest friend, the one I always leapt up to talk to when he signed on, the one with the recognizable ..+[]+.. in his name... the one who'd greet me in the teal colored font, with all the "xDDD" and the "^_^" and all. I don't want to think he's gone, that he'll never come back to talk to me, that all that we had was just a distant memory.
I remember how he told me about how he played strip poker once with his friends during a camping trip, and how he ended up with his boxers and his socks. And I remember how he told me that one of his friends ended up full monty and someone lent the poor dude a hat to cover up, and how the owner of the hat was traumatized... And I remember once he was telling me about his pair of purple boxers with pink hearts and the word "Mine" on it... And I remember those boxers were for sleeping, cause someone had bought it for him for his birthday and it was too big to wear normally... and I remember how his friends had said that's so gay and he was like all Cool! ^_^ when he saw it. Things like that... So small, and yet now so cherished.
Some of us are not willing yet to believe it... I must say... if it weren't true... that would be the most wonderful thing to happen ever... I guess, there's not much I can do, except wait and pray.
Secondly... the matter... of my own heart. Perhaps it's a selfish thing to be thinking of, at this moment when this weight is looming on everyone's shoulders. But I can't help but feel so lonely, so lonely. I know I've got all my friends... but I'm still alone. Today I received some... news, if you could call it that. That I'm no more than a friend to him. Maybe it's better this way - and I think it is, for my character just isn't compatible with his - but it still crushed me anyway.
Maybe I am supposed to be alone. I know there are those out there... who would give much to be able to love me. But it seems I can't hold down relationships well. I'm... too high maintenance. The man I love must be able to talk to me, hold me, make me feel loved... once at least every two days, or more often... Or else my heart just starts to fail... I could give all the love in the world to the person I choose. But who'd choose me? *sighs softly*
And then there's him. The one I've been noticing. He's unobtainable, of course, like everyone else. *sighs* And yet my heart cannot help but be drawn to him - like some sort of disobedient magnet. I feel so jealous sometimes of the one he loves... and yet... I cannot - will NOT - go in between them. I will just wait here, silent and always watching... And someday, I know I'll find the one I'm supposed to be with. Till then, though... Oh, sometimes I wish I didn't need to love! Sometimes I wish I could function like a robot... without love. It's... too painful a search.
How funny. That so many love me, and yet it seems none in the way that I'd want. An eternally faithful and loving way. *sighs* Maybe it's supposed to be this way. Maybe. I don't know. I just wish I knew. *looks at the readers* I challenge you... to melt my heart. I challenge you to convince me that you'd be with me forever. I challenge you to actually stay with me. ...That's the hardest bit, isn't it. *wry* Yeah... I know. *sighs*
BUT I JUST WANT TO BE LOVED, DAMNIT... *breaks down in tears again*
And... I just wish the five of us could be back together again... in those group conversations like we had in June... although that seems like such a long time ago, now... I remember how we'd be all talking and stuff and the two semes would be at each others' throats and how Nat and I would be all laughing and stuff... And how Joy was always there, our big sister and our guiding light. Thank God she's still here to be with me now. I don't think I could stand it otherwise.
But I don't think the five can ever regroup again... Although I wish so much that we could. Cause those were the best days in my Gaian life. Those were the days I really miss, now.
I don't really know what else to say. My exams are next week and I fear I'll screw them up. And also... one of my other dearest friends is in hospital... I don't wish to say who, so please... don't ask. It's too much... My shoulders are going to collapse from this burden. And yet... I still put on a smile for those in the thread. Why? Why? I don't know... Life is just pressing all around me...
I'm really tired. I'll go to bed soon. Remember my challenge. Remember Nat's legacy.
AngelRaz · Wed Oct 12, 2005 @ 02:23pm · 6 Comments |
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