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I was lazy, detatched, trying to stay away from main stream, focused on a life that I made up, surrounded by people I pretended to know, afraid, carrying the weight of my parents expectation, and I didn't know what I wanted.

Now I know I was lazy becuase I never tried. I stayed away from mainstram becuase I wanted to be different but it kept me from discovering things in life that I love, I have found them now. I focused on a life that I did not enjoy and fueled it with empty passion. I now only spend time on things that make me smile and that deserve passion. I was surrounded by people I pretended to know becuase I never asked personal question, becuase I was afraid that I was not worthy enough to know. I was afraid to reach out to friends becuase once a person I thought was my best friend pushed me away and told me I didn't know anything. I was afraid to reach out to the person I desired, and I lost him becuase of it. Hopefully he found the happiness that I could not give him. I thought I could never help him or that I was not good enough so I kept my hands folded on my lap and clentched my teeth every time his smile faded. I wished I reached out to him and was not held back my anything, but that regret will never happen again. I will reach out if I ever do feel that someone needs it may it be a friend, a stranger, my nieghbor, or a lover. I won't let the people I care about the most suffer alone in the dark. I am good enough to help, or at least try, and if they reject me there is some one else destined to help/save them. I carried the weight of my parent's expectation telling myself that this is what they wanted when it was really what I wanted. My parents placed no restraints on me I did. They did not force me to live up to thier standards, I was forcing myself to live up to my standards. The weight of my standards is more than what my parents expect of me but I will live up to them. I know that I want to be able to support myself and not depend on my parents or place financial burden on my loved one, if I ever find him. I want to add happiness to people's lives not stress, I don't want to bring people down because I don't have enough money for the rent or food. I never want to burden the people I care about. I want to be independant and able to live a care-free but realistic lifestyle.

I have changed a lot over the years. People change and no one stays the same for very long. Everything changes and it will never stop. You just have to be close to the ones that change for the better. It's hard but you have to leave the people that change for the worst and cannot see that they have changed. I am trying everyday to make myself a better person. But my definition of a better person may be different than yours. I am trying to become a person that I can be pround of. The kind of person who can look at people in the eyes as they pass and smile. The kind of person who does not complain all the time and annoy others. The kind of person who can pick up a guitar and play a little tune. The kind of person that I have stopped myself from becoming over the years becuase I was afraid of what other people would think. I am getting closer and closer everyday, you can't stop me so don't even try. Do you want to change for the better with me?