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FRIDAY JAN.16...WORST DAY EVER |
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friday was the worst day ever. my bf dumped me, my uncle died, i cut myself and carved my knuckles 3 times over (now theyre infected) and i didnt tell my parents and im tryinng to hide them from them and everyone at school, but someones telling alot of ppl so everyones asking my why i cut myself but im trying to deny it and say i dont but of course no one believes me anyways, and anyways, back to my bf well he dumped me on friday and i spiraled into depression all day and it was horrible and i still liked him, i got over him now but im still sad about it all, and i was avoiding him all day and i still am and at night when i was home i was drawing alot then i started writing heartbreak poems with a drawing and then i just instantly burst out crying and i cried for 5 hours altogether and then thats when i decided to start cutting myself again and if you may ask why i do that, i find that physical pain helps take my mind off emotional pain, id rather be physically hurt than emotionally, i just havent told anyone thats exactly why i did it cause to them it might sound weird but im done cutting myself now i dont want to anymore, but what sucks is that i just know im going to do it again and i dont think i can conrol it anymore, and yah. just too much happened in one day for me to handle. my uncle died friday too and his daughter was going to have a baby and we all hoped hed live long enough to see him, but he died and his daughter gave birth the next day on saterday. i didnt know him very well, but im somehow really sad about him dying, i only met him once but his death affected me somehow. whats worse is that the way i deal with these things is cutting myself, i dont talk to ppl about it, i feel like theres no one i can talk to, and i dont think there is... no one can help me, im stuck with all this by myself and i cant deal with it all. i wanted to kill myself and i came close to doing it twice on the weekend, suffocating myslef and i wanted to cut myself till i bled out but that didnt happen eather. i got over it all for abit, but man, now im right back in it all, just wanting to die. i hope i dont go back to cutting myself or trying to kill myself, thank god i lost what i used to cut ( compass and soeing needle ) but i still have the knife i used for my wrist but it didnt cut so well, but it can kill, im gonna try and stay away from that. and no one knows about this stuff eather except my friends, but they dont know about the suicide attempts or how bad all this really is. my ex doesnt know ANYTHING about any of this at all eather, neither do my parents (like, the cutting and the suicides) and everyone thinks im ok. i guess i just convinced everyone i am, and im trying to convince myself that im ok, but really, im not. and i sometimes cry at random about it all, but again, no one knows about this... i feel lost and ... im gonna list how i feel
lost, sad, scarred, alone, depressed, usless, broken hearted, hated, sick. im lost because i dont know what to do or how to move on, sad because ive lost 2 ppl i love,scarred that im gonna hurt myself again or get hurt by someone again, alone cause im the only one living with this, depressed cause of everything and no matter what ppl try and do, nothing works, usless because i cant do anything when im like this, broken hearted cause the guy i loved more than life itself left me, hated because ppl hate that im cutting myself, so they hate me for doing it, sick (like an insane sick) because i actually tried to kill myself. i just dont want to deal with all this, its too much for me, and i want to end it. but i wont. idk whats stopping me. sometimes i think about seeing the guidence counseler at my school, but i have no idea what hes going to do. idk how good he is at helping me, i feel like no one can help. man, that was just a horrible day...
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