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I haven't been able to sleep for the past several weeks without undergoing some kind of trouble in this journey. I've been resting my eyes.
It's like when your ears get clogged by water, and all you can hear is the popping noise, from the brink of reality and dream state. Yet, when you walk into life, all you can see is surreal beings surrounding you. And here you clasp your hands in your face, almost screaming for a piece of mind in this world.
I find myself rigid like a statue, staring at the walls for centuries. Unfazed, coiled by the impeccable truth. Asphyxiating from the things that make me whole, in the worst ways possible. Although the things that make this world so ugly, I find beautiful. The rusted statue in a forest, with it's wings hung down around the vines that crawl around it's body, intertwining. Just pull away the dust, and see that perhaps the old things were once new in this life. And here with its life, it remains. Old things, forgotten things remind me of me if I were an object to carry. And so the people around me carry me, take me for granted, and advantage of and someday like that statue, I too will be forgotten.
Life and death has made it's valid point in my life. The way it continues to structure the way I live. Unlike most perfectionists and the idea of an a structure to stablize these forces, I am unable to find a structure that tells me to prosper unconditionally. Staring into the void for hours it would seem as I go by. Drifting of this existence, and here I remain apart of this world. What I've become, whether it be stronger than before - I am still withering.
Still- for the past several years, I still dream of the train. When I hear it calling in the background of the hills and I yearn to step upon it as it goes by and disappear. Why always the same thing? The train? The idea is comfortable, and relaxing. Escaping. Running. Somewhere other than here. Traveling. Becoming. I don't need stability in the forces of money, it's just paper to me. It's always just been paper..........
Good-bye world, for now I am escaping into the void again.
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