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i wanted to tell him how i felt about him today...but he likes someone else. i just forced myself to accept it. he just doesnt understand. i guess he'll never know. i'll just fake a smile if i have to. just to show im that im fine...when i'm really not. i dont want to to worry about me. but for some reason, i dont think he cares about me or believes in me. actually, i dont think anyone does. i think people pretend to just because of the stuff i have or for my money. or maybe both. everyone is threating me too. just because of the things i do. they tell me that they will hit me, punch me, slap me, etc if i stop doing this or something. also, i have trust issues. i dont exactly fully trust anyone except for a few people. its really hard for me to trust someone. i guess the reason why i think nobody cares or believes in me is because of the threats they make to me or i feel that they dont. i actually do know the whole reason why but i dont want to write it here on an online journal. also, i just gave out part of the reason. i'm really happy for my best friend. she kissed the guy she likes. i always knew that she was gonna kiss him one of these days. i wish i could kiss the guy i love. but i know that he doesnt want to kiss me. i just know it. i'm kind of thinking about giving up on love or all my emotions altogether. idk. i am a sensitive person. i can get my heart broken easily. i love with caution. im depressed. im randomly happy/hyper. i cry a lot. i have hurt myself in the past. im slowly stopping. at this point, its relapses. im pretty much sober for now. it has been about a month. i almost made it to about 8 months but i screwed it up. i have made many mistakes but i have learned from them. believe it or not, i am a lucky person. i do not have the courage to tell the guy i like how i feel about him. i feel kind of lame for some reason. i just wish that i could tell him and he'll feel the same way. but i dont want to get hurt...
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