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	The life that I live and all those other things that people talk about. This is a bunch of not-so-very-interesting things and just a mish mash bit of information that goes on in my head.

	Every Moment
	Every Moment


Every time I catch myself thinking that this could be fun, a small moment in my life where I can smile and be happy, I get reminded of my failures. That I shouldn't bother to ask for anything 'cause when I do it seems as though that one little request will bring torment to someone else or myself. The whirring of the fan that is right next to my freshly showered body graces me by not facing me... But I almost want it to. Freeze me a little. Chill me... Let that be punnishment for me for yet again failing to do something correctly. It doesn't matter though. I could turn the fan on myself and purposely make myself feel as though I'm freezing. What would be the point? If I did it wouldn't matter except to serve as a way to bring myself further punnishment when my finace gets home.... He would send me to bed and I would probably argue with him on the subject but as always I will do as he says. You see... I was and am writing a book... It's one that is made of my dreams... And the dreams I have are most always far from pleasant. I was supposed to have finnished this book last night at midnight. It was a deadline I set for myself... I failed. Why? Because I wasn't allowed to write... You see I'm not feeling well and I am a bit sick. Nothing too bad but, it tends to scare the people closest to me when I am ill... I guess that's due to my suicidal thoughts.. Even so I would never kill myself or anything of that matter. Besides that little bit about me that doesn't really matter.... I tend to blame myself for things... If something goes wrong I automatically blame myself.... But that doesn't matter. The whole thing about this is that no matter how bad I feel about who I am or how badly I fail I can't seem to turn the fan... I can't punish myself by my own hand... I find others to do it for me.. Just in simple things.... Deny me what I want and I will obey.. Give me what I want and it seems as though I will try to get rid of it just because I do not feel as though I deserve to be happy.... But I'm trying to change that... To simply make it to where I can have what I want and realize that I have a right to be happy. Maybe I can do this before I ruin other peoples lives and my own.... Namida no Akira · Mon Mar 09, 2009 @ 02:19am · 0 Comments


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