Ever wonder what if things weren't the way they are how you would be different? I sometimes wonder what if some horrific thing happened to my parents...how might I be different? Would I be angry at the world? Would I become introverted and lonely? Who knows. I might become an axe murderer. It runs in the family *evil grin*

I'm feeling pretty good today. Still at school as usual. I spent a total of 5 hours on the site yesterday...that's sorta disturbing to me. That's alot of my life spent on a website talking to people I don't know...but then take in the amount of time I spend playing video games and that would probably be even more scary. I don't pretend to be very good at manageing time. In fact this very moment I'm suposed to be doing homework...but am I? No of course not. My mother got a promotion yesterday. It was a celebration she has been waiting for a promotion for years. Hopefully this'll open new doors for her. Being that I'm Ev's alter ego...I don't perticulary care. I consider her "My Mother" only because its what would be expected of me...and maybe I sorta wish I had parents. Being a figment doesn't leave much room for family. Not that I'm complaining. Ev here goes through way more s**t than I. I can fade in and out whenever I please. If I so wanted to I can stop existing. That's a power I don't wish to take advantage of though. Even being a figment I still have a desire to live and continue liveing as long as possible. A level of self awareness that bothers me really. I know full well that I have no soul. I'm not a seperate being...just the malfunctioning mind of another. I guess you could say I'm Ev's Invisible Pal...though we don't get along very well. He is nice and human...while I am self involved and unchanged by the pain of others...He loves too much and I don't love at all. Maybe Ev is really trying to hide his suffering under me. I don't know. You see we have a very unusual situation. I know of him and he knows of me. Even now though I am speaking he is reading and altering my thoughts as they come out. It's not his fault. We ARE the same person. Maybe I'm not so much an alter ego as I am just another part of Ev that's been hiding for a long time. A deep angry hidden agenda. Honestly I care not. I live and breathe and through these fingers I shall manipulate the world as I please. More and more of me comes out in each of my writtings. I'm feeling more in touch with myself...and I think Ev is feeling the same. Ev and Evman...two of a kind yet one. Ha. One might consider all this babble and maybe it is...I'm still trying to understand all that is happening. This started out as a joke really but no it's getting more interesting. I'm starting to really see a divide between him and myself. Yesterday I got into an argument with Ev's Girlfriend, Shaye. It was most amuseing. I was saying what would change if I controled the world. She said I'd be a tyrant and she's glad I'm not in control. I thought about this. I couldn't see anything wrong with me being in control. I like control. You'll find that it is something that I put alot of thought into. I am obsessed with control unlike my counterpart. He fears control, commitment, and leadership. I imbrace it. I want to...no I WILL be in control of the lives of others. My commitment will be tords my goal...keeping me in power. Unlike you Ev, I'm a power hungry tyrant not in the least bit scared to shed the blood of thoughs who appose me. In my rule all will feel the fist of vengance HAHAHA...ok so now I'm just being dramatic. I know I won't control the world...but maybe a small country...

My mind is drifting from thought to thought. You'll find this is a habit of both me and my counter part Ev. Our thoughts drift in and out and all about almost unattainable. We just jab and swat at ideas and they drift down for us to write about. It's not that we are empty headed...quite the opposite...we have so much going on it's hard to follow. I have no problem understanding the brain that I hold as home...but again I speak through filter of Ev, and therfore my ideas get split and fluttery aswell. These fingers arn't my own. Maybe one day.

On to my day.
Today I had Life Drawing. We had our first nude model. It wasn't all that bad and I actually feel Ev did a good job of drawing the guy. Not that looking at the man was much fun...but a good study.

Ah...well to make things short it was a slow day and nothing happened

My rides here...so I must be off. I'll admit...these journals get more disturbing every time I write...

With Loveing Aversion,
Evman