There's so much I could write, so much I want to write, so much I can't write, so much I won't write. These thoughts could write books that inspire thoughts. It would be a library filled with books that have pages missing because my thoughts are broken and unfinished. Should I take time to think life through? Rethink everything I know? Try to make sense of the world and everything in it? No. I wasted to much time thinking and not acting.
Wish I had some real guidance. Someone to "keep my perspective straight, keep me away from hate". I recite song lyrics as if they were some magic spells... Maybe I'm just really stuck up but I don't see people around me who should tell me what should I do for my future. Logic, maybe I have too much of it or not enough. How would a poor man know what it takes to live well... be rich. And I never wanted to be rich just have enough to pay my bills, live without a worry and be able to get something nice for myself or someone else every once in a while. I was told money corrupts, but maybe that's just a lie poor people tell each other so they feel better about themselves.
My insecurities could kill me. I feel that they have to be hidden because they could chase away people and my fears would come true. They have in the past. When I was trying so hard to achieve the opposite result. I'll try to hide them, just remember that just because you can't see them it doesn't mean that they are not there.
I don't think I poses any skill. I'm mediocre at few things, but I would much rather be great at something. I think I'm getting better at what I do, but I don't think I'm nearly anywhere to where I should be. I think I might be spreading myself too thin and I'm trying to do more than is reasonable, more than I can handle. Maybe a dose of focus could solve it all. I should be reading a book right so I'm learning as much as I can. I've become rather knowledge hungry. Ironically I do not have the focus to read for too long and my reading abilities are weak. To really absorb the information before me I have to read rather slowly compared to others. The idea of being able to download knowledge straight to my head strikes my fancy. Maybe one day.
She said she found me attractive and I don't think she was lying. I don't think I'll ever understand what she saw in me, but does it really matter. Made my world a little brighter, little less gloomy. She makes me feel fuzzy inside. It baffles me so much. I'm scared though because she brings me hope. Hope is my tormentor. Every time I give in to it's sweet lies my world is crushed and I hurt because I started to believe again.
She is important enough to mention in here. I've never done that before. I can't seem to stop thinking about her. I put myself on a impossible quest to find someone like her, which is a paradox because everyone is unique and there's no one like her besides her. One in 6,783,421,727.
A whole lot of words about nothing. Does anything matter? Money, people, things... it all just turns to dust. "Deep" thoughts are rather melancholy. Enjoy the journey to the grave is probably the only thing there is to do.
I hated enough for a whole lifetime and I it's time for lifetime of love.
 niatsu · Tue Jun 02, 2009 @ 11:37pm · 0 Comments |
