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It was a bright September morning. I sat up in bed, hitting the “OFF” button on my alarm clock. I stretched and hopped out of my too small bed. “Up, up, up!” I yelled as I past my twin brothers’ room. Donnie and David rubbed their eyes coming out of their bedroom. I could tell Donnie had fallen out of the top bunk. Unless David pulled him out, like he usually did.

They raced each other downstairs. David won. He was always faster. They seated themselves on either side of our small round table. Their Kap’n Krunch cereal had already been poured. “Good morning, kiddos,” my dad smiled, giving us each a kiss on the forehead. David and Donnie said nothing, just wolfed down their breakfast. I grabbed a granola bar.

“Dad,” I said in an annoyed tone. “I’m a Freshman now. Not a ‘kiddo.’”

“Oh, right, sorry,” he laughed. “Good morning kiddos and Diana the Freshman.”

“Don’t say it like that, Dad.” My father was such a dork.

Donnie, David and I ran upstairs to get ready for school. We brushed our teeth, got dressed and I did my hair. “High ponytail, or side ponytail?” I asked my reflection.
“It’s gonna look like a horses a** either way!” my immature brother, Donnie laughed. Eighth graders. How idiotic… I chuckled to myself. I decided to wear my hair in a side pony. I wonder if Jamie will like my new hair? I had cut it several inches shorter, so instead of being at the small of my back, my dark brown hair now only reached the bottom of my shoulder blades. I stared at my reflection. I was pretty average. I had chocolate brown eyes, dark brown hair and fair skin. I wasn’t too tall, nor too short. I wasn’t too thin, nor too fat. I didn’t have an athletic body. I was just average.

We climbed into the family station wagon. I took my seat in front.

“But I called shotgun!” Donnie wailed.

“But I was born first,” I said, slyly. “So deal.”

Donnie and David were dropped off first, since their school was closer. “So, Diana the Freshman,” my mother said as we deposited David and Donnie on the step of their new school. Great, I thought, my mother has picked up on my new nick name, too. “Are you excited?” she asked. I could tell she was. My mother hadn’t shut up about high school over the summer. She was so excited, she bought me a brand new wardrobe. At least I won’t be in Janice’s hand-me-downs anymore, I thought when I saw my closet full of new clothes for the first time. Janice was my older sister who had moved to Illinois over the summer with her boyfriend. From what we had heard, it was going well. I hoped she’d keep this boyfriend. Janice always had a hard time keeping any boy for over two months. She’d survived most of the summer with this one, Phil, so that was a good sign.

I looked over at my mother. She knew I wasn’t as excited as she was about me starting high school, but I hadn’t dreaded it. “Yes, Mother. I am excited.” To see Jamie and Ruth and Paul again, I thought. We stopped in front of my new school. I examined the parking lot. I saw Jamie and Ruth talking to each other in the east corner. Probably waiting for either me or Paul. “Bye, Mom,” I said as I stepped out of the car.

“Good bye, honey snuggles!” my mom yelled as I shut the car door. I looked around the full parking lot. Had anyone heard? No one stopped to stare at me. I sighed in relief and went to join my friends. Jamie hadn’t changed much. She was still tall, blonde, and skinny. She now wore contacts, though, I’d noticed. She wore light green contacts over her dark brown eyes. She had a beautiful oval face, with pale ivory skin. She smiled at me. It was still that gorgeous smile she’d smiled the first day we’d met. If looks could kill… I thought. I didn’t know it then, but I was in love with Jamie. She was perfect.

Ruth was like Jamie’s opposite, as far as appearance went. She had short, black hair and shockingly bright blue eyes. She was rather short, and overweight. She was had a bright personality, thought, like Jamie. They were both very happy characters. They always had a smile on their faces; were always laughing as if everything was perfect for them. I envied them. I wanted to be able to laugh everything off like they could. Of course, I couldn’t. We scanned the parking lot for Paul. “Where is he?” Jamie asked in her sweet, high voice. It made me weak in the knee.

“I don’t know,” Ruth tried to look over the heads of the other kids in the lot. “He should be here by now. We’ll find him, don’t worry.” Ruth was so optimistic. She always told us to not worry. Sure, enough, like Ruth predicted, we did find Paul. He was at the other end of the parking lot, looking for us. He pushed past the crowds to Jamie, Ruth, and me. Paul was beautiful, too. He had mousy brown hair and gorgeous light brown eyes. He had a crooked smile; his left side was always open a bit more. Whether this was on purpose or not, we didn’t know. Paul never smiled with his mouth closed. He said it was impolite to only show half of yourself to someone. Paul was a bit taller than Jamie, towering over Ruth and I. He gave each one of us a great big bear hug. Those were my favourite. They were his “I haven’t seen you in so long! I’ve missed you so much!” hugs. We walked into the school together. We were the best of friends and we would be forever, I’d always told myself.

I had homeroom with Jamie. I did a quiet happy dance in my head. Hopefully whoever Mrs. Carter was would sit her by me. I had Algebra I with Ruth, PE with Jamie and Paul, Girls’ Beginning Choir with Jamie, Science with Paul and Ruth, second lunch period with Jamie, Paul and Ruth, History with Paul, and English with all three of them. Mrs. Carter sat me right behind Jamie. We talked throughout the homeroom the homeroom period. When the bell rang, I grabbed my stuff and met Ruth halfway to Algebra I. We sat down just as the bell rang. Wonderful, I thought, one of the two classes I don’t have Jamie in and no seating chart. Ruth and I chattered Algebra away looking at our schedules. The bell for our fifteen minute break rang and Ruth and I met Paul and Jamie at a table in the quad to compare schedules.

Jamie had Algebra I with Paul with Mrs. Higgins, PE with Paul and me with Mr. Kennon, Girls’ Beginning Choir with me with Mr. Gill, History with Mr. Walsh, lunch with Ruth, Paul and me, Science with Ruth with Mr. Webster, and English with Paul, Ruth and me with Mrs. Moody.
Paul had Algebra I with Jamie, PE with Jamie and me, Computers with Mr. Roy, Science with Ruth and me with Mr. Arata, lunch with Jamie, Ruth and me, History with me with Mrs. Man(her name made me laugh), and English with Ruth, Jamie and me.

Ruth had Algebra I with me with Mr. Greene, History with Mr. Fromm, Art I with Mrs. Jennings, Science with Paul and me, lunch with Jamie, Paul and me, PE with Mr. Payson, and English with Jamie, Paul and me.

I was pretty happy with our schedules, seeing as I didn’t have a single class or period without one of my best friends. The bell rang and Jamie, Paul and I went to PE and Ruth went to History. We didn’t dress down today, for that I was grateful. Paul and Jamie and I split up; Jamie and I going north to the music building, Paul going west to the computer room. Jamie and I chatted while we took our seats in the huge Choir room. Mr. Gill gave us a free period; he’d had a lot to do to prepare to assign us our parts. I’d hoped I would be a Soprano, they always got the melodies.

The rest of the day dragged on. My mom finally came to pick me up at 3:15, right on time. We were having stuffed bell pepper for dinner. Ugh. Donnie and David were being their usual annoyances. We sat down for dinner at promptly 5:30, a half an hour after Dad got home. Of course we talked about the first day of school during dinner.

The next week went by slowly. It was basically your typical first week of school. Jamie, Paul, Ruth and I all sat together at lunch. I got pretty tired of it by the time Thursday next week came around. Paul, Jamie, Ruth and I were sitting at our lunch table when I decided I was going to tell Jamie. I hoped she wouldn’t think I was horrible or that it would ruin our friendship. I decided to tell someone first. I called Paul the day before I was going to tell Jamie. He was shocked. He told me the best thing to do was to tell Jamie. I agreed. We were sitting at lunch the next day when I said, “Hey, James…?”

Jamie looked and smiled her perfect smile at me. “Yes, Diana?”

“Uhm, I have to tell you something… But don’t get uhh… Mad or anything, kay?”

“Sure. What is it?” her eyes got wide with wonder.

“Well, uh,” I stammered. “I, uh, I don’t know how to, uh, say this, but…”

“But what?”

Ruth was now staring at me. Oh, God, I thought. What would Ruth think of me? “Well, Jamie. I kinda… Uh. I think I love you…?” My voice cracked, making it seem like a question.

Jamie was staring at me with her big, green eyes. Oh, why did she have to be so beautiful? She was puzzled, I could tell. She looked at Paul, searching frantically for an answer. Jamie was well aware of her beauty’s effect on boys, but not girls. Paul shrugged and smiled his gorgeous crooked smile. Ruth burst out laughing. “For a minute there, Diana,” she said, “I thought you said you loved Jamie!”

“Uh, I… I did.”

Ruth was silent. Jamie began to cry. Why had I told her? I didn’t want to hurt her. She ran off, Ruth fallowing her. I began crying, too. Paul hugged me tight, whispering in my ear that everything was going to be all right. Jamie just thought differently. Paul wouldn’t let go of my shoulders, guiding me to our next two classes. History was easy; I didn’t have Jamie in that class. English, however, was painful. She didn’t say a word to me. She didn’t look at me. She said hi to Paul and Ruth, but not me. Tomorrow is going to be hell, I thought. My eyes were puffy and red from crying. I called my mother from the office phone to let her know I would be walking home.

I ran straight upstairs to my room as soon as I got home. When my mother came up to inform me it was dinner time, I faked being sick. She told me to stay in bed and she’d bring up some soup for me. She said if I hadn’t gotten better by morning, I would be allowed to stay at home. I made sure I hadn’t gotten better. I left my window open that night; it was raining. I was determined to put off facing Jamie again for as long as possible. When school let out, Paul stopped by to drop off my absent work from the teachers we shared. I thanked him, asking about Jamie. He said she wasn’t speaking. I began to cry again. Why did I ask? I thought and Paul held me and let me cry on his new shirt, staining it.

The next Monday was dreadful. Jamie was absent, or so I thought. I learned from Paul and Ruth that she had had her schedule changed so she wouldn’t have a single period with me. That made me feel terrible.

The next few months dragged on. Ruth had changed her schedule to fit Jamie’s more closely. They had four classes and lunch period together. I felt horrible for Paul. Why had he stayed? Was he my only friend? I was glad to have him there for me. We’d become closer than ever since the Jamie incident. We stayed up late talking on the phone, always talking in hushed giggles in class. We had become best friends. I loved him. He was like a big brother who just never stopped caring no matter what idiotic thing you did next.

Then the day came. I was talking a walk through the woods behind our neighborhood. “Hey, girly,” a drunken voice called from somewhere beyond the trees. I ignored it, slowly turning around and walking back towards my neighborhood. “Don’t run, girly,” the voice instructed me. “Running ain’t gonna do you no good.” I was scared. I wanted Paul to come rescue me like he had so many times before. I ran in the opposite direction that the voice was coming. I ran fast without stopping. The voice got closer; I could smell vodka in the air, as if the hunter was right behind me. Maybe he was.

I always knew I’d go like this. Alone. Cold. In fear of what awaited me after this pain would pass. After this chapter of my life was over. Part of me couldn’t wait. Another part wanted to be with Paul again, just holding him and never letting go. I knew that part would never get its wish. I had been running for the past couple of hours. I never knew I could run this fast. I tripped on a rock, landing on hard asphalt. I felt a pool of something cool in my hair. I reached behind my head. Blood, I thought as I saw my red stained fingers. I closed my eyes, welcoming death. It was comforting, knowing the end was near. At least I wasn’t going to suffer through this any longer. Everything went black. And I was gone.
“Diana!” I heard my mother call from below me. I knew she was looking for me. Would she find me lying in the street? Would she know right away that she had been too late? “Diana!” her screams became more panicked, as if she realized what was going on; why I wasn’t responding.

I saw my father racing after her. “Di… Dian…” She’d seen my body. I heard her screams. They were terrible. I knew that no mother wanted to out live her child. And she just had. I wished there was some way to comfort her. To tell her I would be ok; that I wasn’t dead. There wasn’t.

“Judith,” my father’s voice was soothing. I wondered where my younger brothers were. I wondered what my parents would say to them when they returned home. I saw my father lift my hysterical mother off the ground and walk back to the family station wagon. He set her gently in the passengers’ seat, and walked to the drivers’ seat. I realized I had never seen my father cry until today. He was trying not to, but I saw a few loose tears escape his long eyelashes.

When I opened my eyes, I was in a cold grassy meadow. I could see a forest of tall evergreens surrounding the meadow. The sun was shining bright in the afternoon sky. I squinted to see around me. I looked at the world around me; the soft smell of pine filled the air. It was so peaceful; I almost forgot the million questions tripping over each other in my head. I took a deep breath, just to take it all in. I considered falling asleep, but I knew I just couldn’t. Foggy memories of what had just happened came flooding back to my mind. I… I tripped, I thought, and landed on… something and I guess now here I am. No, there was more… There had to be. I was running from something… No, not something, someone. I desperately tried to remember who, but all I could think of was his voice. Slurred, drunken, frightening. I was running from him. Yes, running from him, my mind remembered the voice without a face. He smelt of vodka. It must have been five ‘o clock somewhere. I chuckled. But how did I get here? This isn’t adding up… I yawned and rubbed my eyes, fervently searching for the missing information; something to fill in the gaps. So, what have you got so far? I asked myself. Let’s see… I was running from a drunken idiot and I tripped and fell and now I’m up here. Huh… Where was I? I looked around the meadow for an answer. Oh! Right, I was uh… Taking a walk through the woods behind my house. Why? I couldn’t seem to find the answer to the last question.

I soon gave up on trying connecting the two events. Obviously, I wasn’t going to remember anytime soon. I couldn’t help but think about it, though. I turned my mind to other thoughts. The swaying of the rye, the impossibly deep blue of the sky, how the sun’s rays made everything around me seem to glow with and incredibly welcoming feeling. I closed my eyes and breathed in deep. As I did, something came rushing back.

“Diana!” I remembered my mother yell. I’d known she was looking for me. Would she find me lying in the street? Would she know right away that she had been too late? “Diana!” her screams became more distressed, as if she knew why I hadn’t responded. Did she?


How did I remember that? I thought. No, but there's more.

I remember seeing my father racing after her. “Di… Dian…” My mother had seen my body. I remember her heart wrenching screams. I’d wished there was some way to comfort her. To tell her I would be ok; that I wasn’t dead. I’d known that there wasn’t.

“Judith,” I remember my fathers calming voice. I’d wondered where my younger brothers were. I’d wondered what my parents would say to them when they returned home. I remember my father lifting my hysterical mother off the ground and walking back to the family station wagon. He was setting her gently in the passengers’ seat, and walked to the drivers’ seat. I’d realized I had never seen my father cry until that day. He was trying not to, but I remembered a few loose tears escape his long eyelashes.

I searched for something more. I faintly remembered the man snickering as my mother laid eyes on my cold, dead body. I knew my father saw him, too. I knew he hated that man with every fiber of his being. And why shouldn’t he? I remembered how much I hated that man. How much I thought he deserved my same fate: death. A painful, slow, horrible death. I stood up, not wanting to fall asleep in the grass. I noticed I was not wearing what I had been when I died. I was in a white blood stained sun dress. Interesting, I thought as I made my way through the meadow. The sun had moved in the sky, telling me I’d spent, perhaps wasted quite a bit of time in the meadow. I gazed at the forest in the distance and wondered what was on the other side. I looked around the empty meadow once more and decided I would head for the forest. Maybe the time spent walking would trigger something… I made my way through the meadow and turned one last time to stare at its beauty. Who knew if I’d ever see it again? I entered the forest, walking slowly. I was humming some tune I’d remembered from Earth. I was in a daze when someone startled me and said, “Trying not to fall again, hmm?” I turned to see a little girl, maybe five or six years old smiling up at me with a blinding white grin and dark green eyes. She was in a sundress very much like mine, but not bloodstained. Purple bruises covered her arms and legs, but she looked happy as can be. She had gorgeous dark red spiraling curls that cascaded down her back. I gawked at her. Who was this girl?

“Uh… Uhm…” I stuttered.

She giggled and offered me her hand. “My name is Cera. And you are Diana.”
I stared at her, but took her hand, shaking it. “Uh, yeah, that’s me. Listen, kid, I don’t mean to sound rude but, uh… What’re you doing here?”
“Same thing as you, silly. Searching for the town of Himmel with a mind full of questions.”

“How did you get here?” I wondered what Himmel was, but that was a question for another time.

“Like you. Only you bled to death, I was beaten to death.” She said all of this with that same, wide smile on her face. How was she still smiling?

“Oh,” I said, as if that answered everything.

“Would you like to follow me to Himmel? I know the path by heart; I’ve been here many times in my dreams. Although I’ve never met you in my dreams.”

I nodded, still confused. Poor girl had actually dreamed of death and finding her way to Himmel. I wondered what she had been through to trigger the subconscious to actually want death. Cera led me through the thick forest, chatting politely along the way. After what seemed of hours of walking we came to an end to of the forest and were deposited at the mouth of the river. “My dreams all lead me here. I think we swim. Or maybe we cross the river.” Cera closed her eyes and muttered things to herself. She was trying to think of something else her dreams had told her about this Himmel place. I remembered little things she had told me along the walk through the forest. Things like “… and if you think hard enough, my dreams have told me that you can actually see what the people you left behind are doing right at that moment! Isn’t that amazing?” and “… and my dreams have said that you live in an apartment complex and you have neighbors and a roommate and everything!” Cera’s face had lit up with excitement as she remembered each positive thing about Himmel. She seemed to forget that in order to actually get to Himmel you had to die. Or perhaps it just didn’t bother her. Her smiling face alerted me that she had remembered how to get to Himmel from the river. “I know! My dreams told me that from here, we wade in the river and walk to the other side.” As she said this she quickly placed one foot then the other into the water and began walking across to the other side of the river. I was hesitant. I didn’t like how I couldn’t see my feet in the water. Cera obviously sensed my uneasiness about this and tried calming me down. “Don’t worry, Diana. Just a few more steps and we’ll be in Himmel! Oh just think! It’s gonna be amazing!” I thought about it all for a minute. If some five year old could do all this, then so could I. Not looking, I placed one foot in the water, then the other. I started straight ahead as I walked through the river, not daring to look at the rushing water beneath me. A scaly fish wiggled past my right leg and I screamed. Oh, how foolish I’m being, I thought. Soon I was on the other side of the river; safe from any savage killer guppy in the river.

I remembered what Cera had said about “seeing” the people you’d left behind on Earth. I was wondering if it was true. I thought and thought and thought about Paul and my parents and Ruth and Jamie and Donnie and David. I thought and thought and… saw something. I saw Paul and Jamie and Ruth in my mother’s gorgeous living room. My mother had her face buried in my father’s chest. Her shoulders were shaking. She was sobbing. Paul’s face was blank. Jamie was shaking her head in disbelief, Ruth was quietly sobbing into her palms. Dad’s mouth was pressed in a hard line; he was still trying not to cry. From the looks of it, he had just told them. What about Donnie and David? I wondered. Where are they? I watched Paul soon become angry and leave, slamming the door behind him. He stepped with furry down our town’s streets. His hands, balled into fists, we stuffed into his jacket pockets. He kicked a small stone out of his path, turning the corner onto his own street. He muttered something under his breath, too low for me to hear. I watched him cross his yard to his porch. I noticed his hand was shaking as he opened and slammed the door. The house seemed to shake with fear. Paul’s house was empty, as usual.

Paul didn’t have a very good home life. His father had walked out on him and his mother when Paul was two. Because his mother planned to be a stay at home mom, she was unemployed when Paul’s dad called it quits. In order to support her son, Brenda, Paul’s mother, took two shifts at a local record store and a second job at a fast food joint. Through everything, Brenda, like Ruth, was always optimistic. She only wanted Paul to be happy.

Paul stomped his way to his house’s attic. He was always in his attic when he was sad or angry. It was his hideaway. Paul broke down. He was bawling. He cursed and kicked random objects. He leaned against a wall for support, and then sunk to the floor, sobbing loudly into his palms.

I couldn’t watch anymore. It was too much. Cera was waiting patiently for my return to reality. Well, as real as my new reality was, I suppose. She smiled as she noticed I was back. “Wanted to see everyone you left behind?” she understood. I nodded a shy yes. I felt tears form behind my eyes. I blinked them back. “I don’t.” Cera’s voice was bitter. “They’re probably happy to be rid of me.” Her face was dark. She shook it off. Her face lit up with excitement as we entered Himmel. It was beautiful. There was a gorgeous park with a huge, round stage in the middle of a plush green field and wildflowers. I noticed a large building on the far side of the park. “Isn’t it beautiful?” Cera whispered.

I nodded in agreement. Cera grabbed my arm and led me to the building. “This is it!” she exclaimed. “Our new home!”

As I lived my life in Himmel, I watched everyone I’d left behind live their lives on Earth. Paul became bitter and filled with hate. Ruth was now a pessimist. Jamie was lifeless. I watched my death tear my family apart. My mother drove my father crazy trying to figure out who’d killed me. I watched my father cheat on and desert his family. My brothers hurt themselves physically. And they hurt me emotionally. Donnie started to burn himself with Mom’s cigarette lighters. David had begun to cut deep into his veins to relive his pain.

As I watched these things, I led a some-what happy life. Cera, I learned, had a natural gift for the saxophone. She liked jazz because “there were no rules; you played what you felt.” She and others of Himmel held a jazz concert in the park every Sunday evening.

I took classes in creative and expressive free writing and acting. One girl, MariJo, who was in my acting class, and I would put on skits in the park on Thursday and Friday afternoons. Monday was a lazy day for Cera and I. We told stories of our lives back on Earth. I told stories about my brothers and friends. Cera told stories about before her parents abused her and her three sisters. Cozy as my life seemed, I longed for the days spent on Earth I’d told Cera about. Thinking about them depressed me, but retelling them filled me with joy. I dreamt about my time on Earth almost every night.

One night, I dreamt I was screaming. Cera was shaking me but I could not wake. Something wouldn’t let me. I felt a burning sensation start at my toenails and rip through my body until it reached the very roots of my hair. It felt like I was on fire. Someone violently shook my shoulders. Ce…Cera? I thought. But it wasn’t Cera. A familiar voice was begging for me to wake up. A… A deep voice. Tenor? I wondered. No, lower than that... Baritone? I blacked out.

Paul’s gentle voice awoke me. “Diana? Diana, are you awake now?”

I was too scared to open my eyes and realize it had all been a dream. I didn’t want my dream to end. Why would I be dreaming of Paul waking me up?

“Diana, I know you can hear me. The doctors told me you were responsive now. Listen to me. Wake up, please.”

Doctors? I wondered. What doctors? What’s going on?

I felt something warm take my hand. I realized quickly this was no dream. I fluttered my eyelids open, happily expecting Paul’s inviting brown eyes staring down at me. They were. My heart skipped a beat. He was so beautiful. I touched his face. I knew this was real. “There you are.” Paul smiled at me. “You’ve been out for quite awhile now. They thought you were gone. But I knew that not you, not my Diana would give up.”

I looked around me and saw that I was in a calming green colored room. There was an annoying twitch in my left arm and looked down to see an IV stuck into my wrist. What was I doing in a hospital? I was confused. “Wh… What hap…” my voice was weak, barely above a whisper but Paul didn’t ask me to speak up. “What happened?” I finally managed.

Paul laughed. “You hit your head pretty hard, didn’t you? You don’t remember?”

I shook my head no.

“Well,” Paul explained. “You decided to walk alone in the woods behind your neighborhood. You heard an animal, the doctors say, and became scared and ran. You tripped and hit your head on the ground, ripping it open. Luckily, you father found you just in time and rushed you to the hospital. You’re lucky no one stopped him or you might’ve died. He kept your head up, telling you to stay alert at all costs. You were signed in to the ER and had seventeen stitches and four staples in your head. You’ve been asleep since about Thursday, it’s now 11:23 pm on Saturday night.” He smiled. “You always did have a knack for sleeping in.”

So it was a dream… I thought. Oh, but it was so real. I shook it off and pulled Paul into an awkward hug. He was crying. I was crying. My mother and father soon came in, pushing Paul out of the room. They were so happy I was awake. They said Donnie and David were asleep in the waiting room but, if I wanted, they could wake them up. I told them to let the boys sleep. I’d see them in the morning, I wasn’t going anywhere. My mother kissed me once on the cheek and pulled Dad out of the room. Jamie and Ruth came in next. It was awkward us three being in the same room together, considering Jamie and Ruth now hated me. I ignored it, though. I was just happy they were here. Ruth, Jamie, and I talked for a bit before I was feeling very tired. They said they’d let me sleep and left. I closed my eyes and relaxed. “Come Josephine in my flying machine/Going up she goes/Up she goes…” I softly sung myself to sleep.