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Okay, so I'm totally loving Oregon, sunburn and all. Everyone's having fun (Every now and then, if you listen, you can hear Xenathin shouting "TREES!!!" as he runs through the forest) and I'm really happy.

The thing is, I'm in Astoria. Which is really close to Clatskanie. Which is where my biological mother's family lives.
And since I've talked to them (twice now), I've had panic attacks. Nothing specifically is triggering the feelings. I'm just pretty positive that being around them is enough to make me feel that way. It's... not exactly reassuring.

I want nothing to do with them. I never want to see my mother's (Heidi) side of the family again. I never want to talk to them, never be reminded that they exist. But I can't tell them that with a clear conscience because I know that they'll be upset. Example:

I was sitting at the county fair in Clatskanie yesterday. Just sitting there, with my Aunt, Deana, and my cousin, Juanita. And I started to get really really scared and just wanted to run away as far as I could. I had to exercise the most self-control I've ever had to to act like everything was fine. I covered up my shaking, and I regulated my breathing, and I tried to analyze the situation. All I could do was stare at the two of them and know that I wanted to get as far away from there as possible. I was literally one step away from turning tail and running the forty miles back to Astoria. It was nothing that either of them said. Or did. I just turned to Deana and told her that I wanted to go back with my dad. She asked if they did something wrong, and I told them no. I said "Being around you two just brings back bad memories, I think." (She pretended she was fine. I found out later that she called everyone on her side of the family as well as my dad, crying to them because she thought she had offended me. :/ )
I told my dad that, and he said it sounded like a panic attack to him. It happened again when I was on the phone talking to Heidi's father. They all want to see me so badly and yada yada yada. But what am I supposed to do when I want to run so far in the opposite direction that I hurtle off the face of the Earth?