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(not sure if I have posted this ever, anywhere, but here goes....)



Torn between passion and self loathing, I watch you walk across the street to your friends. I see you in my minds eye, loving someone, or loving me. My arms squeezing you to hold you close to my body as if to pull you in, to press you into the space I need most filled. It is almost not enough. I have to keep sucking the love you give me into my void. I’ve never need so much and hated it so avidly.

When I turn away from you I spend night dreaming of you returning, or me crawling to you with expression of my love. Should I touch myself or suffer silently from the absence of your tender affections? Conflicted and rightly so, I tear at my flesh and my mind to ease this pain. Oh but how easy if only I could love you, return your love. Kiss me damn it so I can slap your face and remind myself why I so desperately need you here. Come here so I can stomp on your hands that shower me with gifts so I can gloat internally. And whisper to me of your love so that I might laugh in your face and noiselessly cry at night.

Oh what a sweet love I am returning to you.
‘
Shouldn’t matter if you are unhappy? Let me pry those tears out from behind your heavy lids. Let me feel accomplished at the sight of your glorious pain. I wish to kiss them away. I need to beat you to feel like I am here at all in your life. Don’t let me idly stand by, I wish to snivel, am I not here to please you? Are you not pleased with me at all? Is there nothing I can do?

I can beg you to stay and you will. You know of my need, this need to feel, to hold. To hold you captive in my pain and…. Should we ever make love it would not be to satisfy you or to see the look of joy on your face as your pleasure in me is made aware, but to tie you to me with an endless rope with the others before you… and you to those who come after…

That is what I want to say to you.


But if it is what I feel and believe it is not what I believe to be true. That if I could truly just love you, you would know my soul, that I say what I say to keep you. That I want to love and return your passion as much as you wish I could return it to you. I want to bow down at your feet and give you free rein over me. Shouldn’t you punish me? Am I not worthy of your attention or your corrective behavior? Don’t you want me to be what you need? Am I to always wonder how or why? I want your gentle loving face in my hands with no self-inflicted pain and none of the painful stabs from my lips. But go precious, mind numbing, foolishness into the night air through the day and onto the next continent. I want to start anew. And as soon as I can cut these ties, I will find a way to love someone not quite like you. But who loves me just as much.

This is what I wish I could say.