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About three days ago on Thursday, I wasn't feeling right. I had just cut myself 3 times the night before and was still in a stage of depression. So, i sat on my bed and started drawing a picture of a girl cutting herself with a puddle of blood on the floor. Then, out of nowhere, my big sis pops in my room, unexpected and uninvited! Surprise! Well, she asked what I was drawing, took one look at it over my shoulder, and freaked. She asked me why I drew it. She asked me if i thought about this kind of stuff and had ever done it before. Now normally I can think of reall good lies on the spot, but I wan't ready for those questions. My face went red, my eyes bulged, and I said nothing. She realized my answer. She freaked, again. She started talking to me about it and why I did it. I've done it numerous times, deffinitley, but had never said or showed anything. She asked me "Is that why you've been wearing that black jacket all the time, even outside when it's crazy hot?" Yeah, that's why. Then she got me to talk about it with my mom. My mom was more calm about it. She understood me. She listened. She asked reasonable questions I could answer. She made me feel better. She said she was going to get me some help, the kind of help I needed.
I've had help before a several of years ago when I was in 5th grade, but for something different. I had wanted to kill myself, even tried a few times. Never went through with it. My parents found out one day after I got suspended. (Don't ask why I got suspended, it's a long story.) But everything that had happened for my suspention all came down to the fact that I was suicidal. The school called my parents, they came and got me early from school, and the next day, I was taking counciling from out school counselor everyday during school. My mom said if anything like that ever happened again, she was going to get real help for me.
So here I am, writing this entry, telling you about my story. You know how they say drugs are addicting? Have you ever read Crank? Well, if you have and you know what I mean when I saw drugs are addictive, well the same goes for cutting. If you do it, you want to do it again and again. It relieves you of stress, frustration, sadness, anger, hoplessness, anything. Once you've done it, you're hooked. Well, not necessarilly. I know some people that have tried it and chickened out the next time, said it hurt too much, and they were scared to do it again. And I dont blame them. I made a promise to my mom, to my sister, that I would never do it again. Hopefully I can keep that promise, to them and my boyfriend. But you don't know how hard that is until you've experienced it, unless you're like me. I'll try to stop. But once you've gone, there's no coming back.
-Confused Girl