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When life gives you lemons, make grape juice. Then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it.
If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.
Sometimes a road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.
MENopause, MENstruation, ever notice most of our problems begin with MEN!
Come to the Dark Side... we have milk and cookies!
You have a right to your opinions; I just don't want to hear them.
Growing old is mandatory, Growing up is optional.
Live forever, or die trying.
If you wish to make a man your enemy, tell him simply, "You are wrong." This method works every time.
Catch a man a fish, and you can sell it to him. Teach a man to fish, and you ruin a wonderful business opportunity.
I'm not crazy. I'm psychotic. There's a difference.
I don't suffer from insanity... I enjoy every minute of it.
There's nothing that can't be fixed by:A) duct tape B) chocolate or C) running it over. I prefer option C.
The reason I am still here is because Heaven doesn't want me, and Hell's afraid I'll take over.
Don't get mad; get sadistic.
I stopped fighting my inner demons... We're on the same side now!
Common sense is the enemy of comedy.
Sarcasm isn't an attitude, it's an ART
My attention span is just short enough to annoy you and ignore you at the same time.
Knowledge is power; power is the root of all evil. Therefore study evil and excel at it.
What is this 'kindness' you speak of?
Why don't you slip into something comfortable; like a coma. I will gladly help you.
Define 'normal'.
When in doubt...throw a chair.
If the opposite of pro is con,what's the opposite of Progress?
Only two things are infinite:1) the universe 2) human stupidity
There are few problems that can not be solved with large amounts of explosives.
If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.
I tried to call 911 the other day, but couldn't find number eleven on the keypad!
When you laugh, I'll laugh, you cry, I cry, you fall down that ski slope, I laugh even harder.
-Hello and welcome to the Mental Health Hot-line. If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities press 3, 4, 5, 6. If you are paranoid, we know what you are and what you want so stay on the line and we'll trace your call. If you are delusional press 7 and your call will be sent to the Mother Ship. If you are schizophrenic listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer you. If you are dislexic press 6, 9, 6, 9, 6, 9. If you have a nervous disorder fidget with the hatch key until the beep. After the beep, please wait for the beep. If you have short term memory loss, please try your call again later and if you have low self esteem, hang up; all our operators are too busy to talk to you.
Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
If you can't beat them, join them
If you can't join them, sue them,
then rub it in their faces.
God made man, and then said, "I can do better than that," and made woman.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Remember there's a light at the end of every tunnel, just make sure its not a train.
The next time someone says "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me " HIT THEM WITH A DICTIONARY!
I didn't fall for you, you tripped me.
Due to Economic Recession the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off until further notice. We're sorry for any inconvenience caused. Thank you.
 TygressMoon · Mon Sep 28, 2009 @ 09:02pm · 0 Comments |
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